American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, May 7: Nothing DREADful About This Outcome

One of my favorite Dr. Seuess tomes is The Lorax.

It is a book about being green before it was cool to be green.

It was about the environment, but the bigger message is about not squandering a good thing when you have it. About caring, nurturing, making smart choices, cherishing.

It is a cautionary tale of what happens when people are selfish. Taking more, more, more. Abusing trust, disregarding faith, laughing at loyalty.

The result is that a once vibrant landscape goes dark, dismal, uninteresting, bleak.

Not a hard stretch to think the Lorax could be talking to Nigel Lithgoe and company, in a story called The Bore-ax, huh?

American Idol, once vibrant, innovative, exciting, and the fodder of watercoolers everywhere, has faded. It has been pillaged, stripped for parts, sucked dry of its once youthful naivete’ and enthusiasm.

In its place are product placements galore, infomercial length results shows, "more filling, tastes like crap", and a complete disregard for the viewing public.

The landscape is bleak, boring. The only thing even resembling the Loraxian Truffula tree is Paula’s head when fully extensioned and poofed.

Down 7 million viewers from last season, reality TV "experts" everywhere have been sounding the death knell for AI all season. And even show insiders admit they are frantically trying to come up with ways to tweak it for next season, to make it grow again, make it vibrant, alive.

Good luck.

The viewers are not stupid, Nigel. We’ve been screaming "abuse" all season long. But I guess our protests are drowned out by the cash register bells. But be warned: those DVRs are working overtime recording AI and then fast forwarding through the overwhelming bad and boring to get to the three seconds of remotely interesting on Wednesday nights.

So Nigel and Co, to paraphrase the Lorax, Unless someone cares a whole awful lot, things aren’t going to get better. They’re not.

And maybe, just maybe, that someone has to be me...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dressed in a tie dyed unitard the likes of which Freddie Mercury never even attempted, Ryan and his fauxhawk somberly faced the camera and intoned, "You people out in TV land ... we have you by the short curlies. You are addicts. We are your dealers. So sit back, relax, and drink the Kool-aid for the next hour because there’s not a damned thing you can do about it."

The contestants smiled awkwardly, even Jason who appeared on stage with his suitcase in hand. Did you notice Syesha checking out Ryan’s package? Puppy appeared to have slathered on a pound of Bonne Belle’s finest (we said CHAPSTICK, David, not lip gloss) And what was up with David Cook rearranging the furniture on national TV?

Oh well, you gotta love a live show.

A quick hello to the judges: Randy dressed in a purple crushed velvet suit with zebra trim, and a knuckle ring that spelled out BAZINGA in Swarovski crystals; Paula, her hair actually on fire, was wearing a combination of Saran Wrap and duct tape, and had a dog collar around her neck attached to a leash being held by Simon, who was, predictably wearing black ... underwear.

Ryan then rode across the stage on a unicycle and intro’d the GROUP SONG, a medley of tunes from the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame: David C got things started with Highway to Hell, they all segued into We Gotta Get Out of This Place, Jason went solo on Help!, Syesha got her freak on with Psychotic Reaction, and then Puppy finished things up with a rousing version of In-a-gadda-da-vida.

It was actually an amazing performance (not just because they used that Elvis Presley technology to have holographic images of Buddy Holly, Twyla Tharp, Gary Busey, Cliff Huxtable (he’s a great dancer), and Kurt Cobain interact with the kids) but especially when the Bay City Rollers were spotted singing back up, and Matthew McConaughey was shown playing the naked bongos behind Ricky Minor. And believe me, Ricky is far too minor to completely cover up Matt’s MAJOR, um, instrument.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Ryan sitting in Barbara Bush’s lap in the audience as he pimped iTunes and the ability to not only download all the Idol performances, but his sex romp with Lenny & Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley.

A video recap of last evening followed, but thankfully, my remote’s batteries were brand new, so I nearly sprained an eyeball as the images flew past on the screen.

Needing to fill a lot of time, Ryan began the results process by first calling out Fred Derfmyer. I don’t know who he is either. But after discussing his shower performance of Little Red Corvette, Ryan sent him back to the safety of his couch in Boonswoggle, Kentucky.

Puppy was then called out on to the stage. They chatted about his performances from last night, asked Randy if his favorite color was red or aubergine, then made little David blush by asking if he ever thought about Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy in a deviant manner.

David left a little wet spot on the stage, he was so relieved to be told he was SAFE – again.

WHOA. Did you catch that shot of his father in the audience in the goofy beret? I swear he was holding a cattle prod and a taser gun as he stared at David. Poor kid.

Ryan then did a cartwheel and intro’d the video promo for So You Think You Can Prance?, Fox’s upcoming summer program which follows twenty five Clydesdales as they vie for a $100,000 grand prize, a Ford Hybrid, fifty seven pounds of fresh carrots, and a spot in an upcoming Anheuser Busch commercial.

Looks like a winner! Set those TIVOs now!

Back on stage, Ryan had Randy present the winner of the Coca Cola toilet plunger design contest. It was amazing. Chris Gedalife from Sasquatinpot, Ohio completely managed to incorporate both the Coke logo and Paula’s face onto the rubber plunger portion. Amazing.

Another break and we returned to see that David Cook was already asleep over on the Safety Sofas. I guess that’s no big deal, it’s not like anyone thought he was going home or anything. He’s kind of cute when he’s asleep, although there was that tiny drool pool hanging from his bottom lip.

With mountains of time to scale, Ryan then emerged in a peacock costume and introduced Juggy McGee and The Low Hangin’ Knockers to sing their hit song, One Hangs Lopsided So My Underbritches Fit Funny.

It was a rousing romp, especially when Randy joined in on the juice harp, and they gave Paula a washboard. It’s no secret that Simon hates country music, but even he was tapping his toes.

Another commercial break to fund Nigel’s purchase of Tahiti, and we returned to probably the best Vommercial I have ever seen. And you people know how I hate these.

This one was done to the song Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie-Woogie Flu, and featured a medical theme. Puppy played an intern, Dreads worked in the pharmacy, and David Cook was Dr. Luv scamming on nurse Syesha. Loved the cameo of Katie Couric getting a colonoscopy as Puppy danced around with an enema bag.

How do they come up with these things every week, I ask you?

With more time to fill, we then had to endure the Fan Calls portion of the show.

First up, Brandon Terwilliger, 34, of Rhode Island asking Jason how long he should boil eggs if he wants them hard boiled. Jason’s a sport, and an obvious culinarian – place the eggs in a pot, cover with water, turn the stove on high till the water boils, then turn off the heat, cover the pan, and wait 20 minutes.

Next question was from Marcia Brady, 15, of California asking Ryan if anyone had turned in a tube containing some very important architectural drawings they lost at King’s Island. No luck, but Ryan promised to keep an eye out for them.

Dan Knutsaq, 21, of Aureole, Nebraska (town motto: Colder Than A Witch’s Tit) had a question for Paula. Would she ever consider dating a man who wasn’t in the entertainment industry and who enjoys films on animal husbandry? She blabbered on about loving animals, too, and how puppies, butterflies, Scotch tape, and a person’s soul are the keys to a solid relationship.

Dan hung up.

Finally, the last question was posed by Tom Phulery, 65, of Ann Arbor. It was simple, "WTF?"

Ryan, ever the witty one replied, "That’s a rhetorical question, right?"

Another break and Ryan hung from a trapeze while introducing returning Idol, Bo Bice who played his guitar and starred in his very own V05 commercial. GREAT product placement, and let’s be honest here. Who among us wouldn’t kill to have hair as shiny, long, and split end free as Bo Bice?

Loved that screensaver background! Did you see it? It happened really fast, so go back and rewind – you can see Fonzie clearly jumping the shark!

But back to the results...

Ryan asked the remaining contestants to come out on stage, and Syesha pushed Jason out in a wheelbarrow.

He recapped last night’s performances, the judges’ critiques, and asked Syesha why she had been so emotional. Talk about a pageant answer – it included everything but maps and The Iraq.

He then asked Jason about forgetting his lyrics, but Jason was busy playing Nintendogs on his DS. Come on, can’t this guy take it seriously for even two seconds?

Ryan asked the judges for final thoughts:

Randy said, "I think I need to pee."

Paula added, "Follow your star, live your dream, and you can always pee in my cup."

Simon threw rocks at Jason.

With over 400 bagillion votes phoned and texted in, Ryan then did a leprechaun jig and announced that Jason had finally sucked the air out of a good lung and could go back to his real life of staring into space and rolling his eyes.

They then played his journey tape, and I still cannot understand how he ever made it to the final four. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever.

Oh well, he added variety, a little dash of this, a tiny dash of that. He definitely wasn’t cookie cutter or run of the million who turn out to audition with their perfect coifs, slick clothing, and bombastic sound. No, Jason gave us quiet simplicity. He gave us goofy self deprecating grins. He gave us .. wait, hey, where did Jason go?

I guess he really did want to leave. Nice to finally see a contestant not dread results night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry kids, but sometimes even my ability to sit and endure AI is pushed to the limits. :O)

Oh well, like I said, given how completely boring these results show have been, someone has to care a whole awful lot or things aren’t going to get better – they’re just NOT. 

Comments

[Steph]

I noticed when it got to the questions, they weren't anywhere near the questions I saw. One was a question about a girl asking David cook out and why Simon has yet to be knighted by the queen and why he isn't the next star of James Bong.

[Rudy to Linda]

YEA!!!!!!!!!!

[Frankie]

Um, I guess I am a total loser, because I knew at the unitard. It gave me a visual image of Seacrest that may haunt me in my nightmares for a long time. Yikes.

[PETE.]

This recap was too weird for me. Are you celebrating the death of the discoverer of LSD with a leftover supply you found tucked away in your underwear drawer? See you next week when you've recovered.

[justadiversion]

Not my fav either but that's okay...off to watch Top Chef!

[Linda Sharp to PETE]

Sorry sunshine, but sitting through another Bataan Death March Results show was too boring even for me tonight.

[Robin]

I liked the Lorax metaphor. THAT seemed more real than the show. We all knew after last night that Dreads was going home. The only question remaining is for next week -- WHICH David??

[Rudy to Pete]

Are you telling me you would really rather have an honest recap of the group song playing right now? Abysmal, hate the 'jump the shark' term, but AI is dangerously close and hour long results shows with four contestants remaining is just brutal.

[Robin]

I liked the Lorax metaphor. THAT seemed more real than the show. We all knew after last night that Dreads was going home. The only question remaining is for next week -- WHICH David??

[Joanne]

Um Linda? Did you get a bit of Jason's stash tonight? Cause that sure isn't the show I saw, yours sounded so much more fun. Best line tonight was from Jason at 24 minutes in 'you're going to tell us now?' And Ryan saying, 'after the break'. Jason had passed the point of caring and was just there for the lulz as it were. I actually like him and wish him well but the inexperience was hurting him, and really Idol wasn't the place for him. He IS talented and I can see him having a career. Now if they'd only boot the Puppy off, and call CPS while they do it.

I wouldn't shed a tear to not have a David/David final. In fact I'd love to rain on Nigel's parade and boot one of the Davids just because the producers have pimped it so hard.

[PETE.]

I guess I expect better from you. Some of us, though bored with an occasional show, still care about AI. I look forward to your updates and your unique, entertaining style of telling us what we have just seen or should have seen. If you don't feel like writing, just take the night off, but don't ridicule what we've come to appreciate.

[PETE.]

To answer Rudy's question: YES.

[Rafe]

Linda,

I am always amazed at how you find a way to chronicle this show, especially hour long results shows. I don't blame you one bit for poking fun at the 19 for thier blatant disregard/taking for granted of thier key fans. I for one loved the recrap!

[Louis for Leigh in Fl]

To the Great Ditty (Diety) HopsaCord (if such there be): Thank you, O Great One, for absolving we mere earth ants from having to molest our visual cortices evermore, with the painful truth that "Samson" Castro has departed the vulpine stage.

I don't think I could have withstood his IDGAS attitude one more time. But I'm doubtful that Syesha will make it through another week UNLESS one of the double D's screws the pooch big time.

Linda - I think you're spot on with your analysis of AI's downturn. I'll give it one more season to run its final course. Then Dawg, Ditso, and Demonic can look for another gig!

[Sonia in MO]

Okay... it's been a long day... and I only tuned into AI for the last 7 minutes because I knew it would be either Syesha or Jason... (I did catch the end of Bo Bice's performance, though) and for a few seconds into your recrap I was thinking "What the HELL did I MISS?" lol! Apparently not much... but then again I figured as much - thus my tuning into only the last few minutes...lol!

Was it just me or did Jason look relieved?

[Louis in Fl]

Whoops. My previous post wasn't meant to be directed to Leigh. Sorry again.

[Nancy]

Linda: Now THAT would be a show. Thanks for the defenestration of the actual show and the creation of an other-world show. INFINITELY more interesting than what actually happened ...

[Kurt]

I agree, how the heck did he end up in the final four? Mychael, Carly even Kristy Lee (she fought for it) should have been in the final four! I really think AI needs to take a break for a year and come back when they got their act together. I'm surprised the media hasn't attacked AI for their shameless pimping of Puppy Love. Sickening. Just sell him to Disney already!!

[Roxy]

OK, the only problem that I have with the recap is that now I have to watch the show (or at least parts of it!). My first thought was, wow, is Linda having more dental problems? I want some of that!! W/in a couple of minutes (I'm at work at can't read straight through), I was laughing out loud. My colleagues think I've lost my mind. But, when I tried to read parts of it to them, they didn't get it.

Linda - I'm pretty sure this is your blog and I just get to read it out of the kindness of your heart, so thank you for being true to yourself (and surviving the night).

The one part of the show I did see (but not hear) was when they said bu-bye to Jason. He was truly gracious. I know he smiles all the time, but I was glad to see him smile at that stage. It was very gracious (OK, he was probably relived, but still . . . !).

[Gayla]

The highlights of tonight's show was 3.5 minutes - I adore Maroon 5!

[Tom]

Fantastic! And I missed it because I didn't want to sit through another boring hour. This is definitely going to bring me back next week, eyes open and glued to the tube, a questionable tumbler of [enter product placement of your choice] in front of me.

Maybe Dreads and Matthew McConaughey can go on tour together. The Guitar, Bongos, and Ganja Extravaganza.

[Stacey]

Favorite line of the night......
Jason (as he was ready to sing for the last time on AI): "Good...., I would have had to sing 3 SONGS next week!"
LOL.....

[ChickyChick (Kathy)]

Linda, Linda, Linda - next time you have this kind of party, please invite us - I sat my pajama'ed butt on the sofa at 45 minutes past the hour, fast forwarding thru the sturm and drang to get to the results....sadly, I caught up at 55 minutes past the hour and and was forced to endure the last 5 minutes live - I would much rather have been in your world, seeing what you see. This was the best recrap of the results show you've ever blessed us with. Thank you for providing the cure for my AI hangover this morning - My thinks you had something better in your cup than Mikes Magical Elixer (better known as Mikes Mikearita)...

P.S. Can I get the number for your dealer?

[Lori in Texas]

Absolutely, positively BRILLIANT "recrap" of last night's show, Linda. The unitard comment raised my eyebrows but it took me a bit longer for the satire to truly sink in (I haven't had coffee yet).

Back in the late 90's, I did episode recaps of "ER" for NBC's online fan-site. I did this exact same thing (a satirical fantasy recap) one night and the responses were all raves. And it was so much fun!!!!

Don't let the grumps in the group stop you from doing this again - I loved it!!!! And last night's show (errrm.... well, the whole season) was sooooo boring.

[Kathy in FL]

I needed a "beverage alert" before reading your recap, Linda. Very funny! (And I wish that was the show we really saw.) Ryan said that the top 3 were close vote-wise. Maybe a little drama next week?? I'd like to see a Cook-Syesha final.

[justadiversion to Lori]

well at least those of us who didn't agree with you this time are "grumps" instead of "idiots" -- I guess we have improved.

[Lindsay (lrhflute) in VA]

OMG....I read the Intro before going to bed....not realizing that what followed was SO FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the funniest thing I've read in quite awhile!! Yes, Linda, please do that more often! HILARIOUS!! :)

[Connie]

Sorry Linda, didn't care for this recap. I look forward to reading YOUR take on what I see each week on AI. This time not so much. To each his own.

[Chris]

As a rule I love to read your recaps; not today though. Quite honestly, it sucked. Who knows or cares what point you were trying to make; if you normally witty self doesn't return soon I will have to go looking.

[Julie G]

I just wanted to hear what descriptive words you came up with for those horrific matador costumes they forced the kids to wear for the Ford vommercial. THAT was an all-time low, even for the AI pimps! Exactly WHAT did they threaten those poor kids with to get them into those spandex leotards? Jump the shark, indeed.

[Chris]

As a rule I love to read your recaps; not today though. Quite honestly, it sucked. Who knows or cares what point you were trying to make; if you normally witty self doesn't return soon I will have to go looking.

I am coming out of lurkdom to let you know that I LOVED your recap of last night's show. Some of your readers, who hold AI is such high esteem and seriousness, need to GET A LIFE!!!

[Angel]

Hilarious! I'm SO glad I stumbled upon your blog, now marked as one of my favorites.

[Bren]

I loved this "recrap"! I haven't watched much of AI at all this year, but come here every week (who am I kidding, I read this blog multiple times a DAY!) to read the recraps. This one was absolutely brilliant! I too, did the head tilt to the side when you mentioned the unitard until I read further and got the fact that you were completely being satirical.

Don't let those who were not pleased about the recap bother you. To each their own. I didn't think you wrote these things to be graded upon. If that were the case, you get an A++ in my book!

[Dee]

This was the best AI recap I have ever read in my life. Hands down.

Absolutely BRILLIANT. I literally spit my coffee out.

Being I'm a sarcastic chic, with a writing style very similar to yours, I fully appreciated this breath of fresh air, on a subject that is as dead and stale as AI.

Hat off to you!

[Tamara]

What I dont understand is, why do all of the people on here who say AI is boring or they don't like AI anymore even read this blog?

I dont read blogs for shows that I do not like, do not watch or find boring.

What this proves is that AI is larger than life. Larger then ourselves.

Even all of you who say you dont like the show, or are finding it boring STILL care about it.
If you did not, you would never even look at this site.

Even you, Linda, STILL care.
If you didn't you'd not even be wasting your time writing this anymore.
(which I am grateful you do!)

Think about it, do ya'll go searching online for any other shows you DONT watch or find BORING??

AI still intrigues us, and we still like it, and we always will.
Sure, we bitch about why certain people are still there, or how can they keep a nutjob like Paula on there, or how corporate it's become or how the ratings have dropped, but still we all love it and care, otherwise none of us would be on here and this site would not exist.

I'll admit it.
I'm an AI addict.
Some seasons are better than others, and the show sometimes gives us reason to complain, but I for one, hope it stays around for a while, because it keeps all of us entertained.

[Leigh in FL]

FAVORITE RECRAP EVER!!!!!

So I am reading along to this very insightful and HILARIOUS recrap enjoying every word I read and wondering why I wasn't invited to Jason's Bong party. I am trying not to laugh too loudly cause my daughter is in the other room sleeping, and I, of course, am having trouble breathing. Tears are coming out of my eyes from being overwhelmed by mirth...and then....I get to this....

"Dan Knutsaq, 21, of Aureole, Nebraska (town motto: Colder Than A Witch’s Tit) had a question for Paula. Would she ever consider dating a man who wasn’t in the entertainment industry and who enjoys films on animal husbandry? She blabbered on about loving animals, too, and how puppies, butterflies, Scotch tape, and a person’s soul are the keys to a solid relationship."

I have now wet myself, popped a lung, and I think something is hemmoraging from laughing SO DAMN HARD!!!

BRAVO LINDA!!! OMG This has been the FUNNIEST stuff I have read in years!!! You were in RARE form with this one, and reminded me, once again, why I started reading, and keep coming back several times a day. Love ya, bunches, Linda!!

To those that didn't like this article and are slamming Linda for CHOOSING to write it...realize that this is HER BLOG and we are merely guests. Last time I checked, it was impolite, bad manners, and downright RUDE to enter someone's personal space and then insult them. Boo. Bad form.

[Vickie to Linda and others]

I've been so busy the last few weeks I haven't had much time to comment, let alone read. I took the day off and I'm catching up. There's nothing wrong with having an opinion (that's what makes the world go around) but be civil about it, would ya people?!

Linda- just a personal "thanks" for the most entertaining recap on a completely boring results show! LMAO, although I have to admit, it took me a few lines to figure out the satire...simply because I wasn't parked in front of the TV for every second of the show. Glad I wasn't. I know I enjoyed your version much better!

[Debbie in Clearwater]

"Dan Knutsaq"...too funny!!!