A Hairy Situation

You gotta love a funny email on a Friday morning...

Mary Ellen sent this one to me, and while we don't know who the originator is, my God, is it funny.

For anyone who has ever watched a Nads informercial, or contemplated the easy instructions on the back of a wax strip kit at the drugstore, take it from one who has been there, screamed that:

Attempting to give yourself a Brazilian insures that your voice will be heard as far south as Brazil.  Seriously, I have inflicted pain upon my nether regions that has resulted in me actually seeing visions...

Enjoy...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hair Removal...

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah..right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using
the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!


I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip.
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

Comments

[Kerry]

You've got to love at-home beauty remedies. The things we do to ourselves.

I was in the drug store a while back, and there was a couple in line in front of me. Her face was red and swollen, eyes swollen to slits, neck and hairline all red, and she was wearing a plastic hospital ID bracelet. My first thought was "that poor girl, that guy must have beat the hell out of her, she just got out of the hospital and she's still with him." Turns out, she had an allergic reaction to hair-dye! I know I never do the "patch tests" like they say to, but sure made me think twice.

Then this week, I was in a hotel I frequently stay at for business travel. There is one desk clerk who has a gorgeous head of long, brown, healthy shiny hair. She always has it curled or braided in some nice fashion. This evening, I was so interested in getting the free cookies they serve that I didn't even look at the people behind the counter. But when I looked up, I know I did a literal double take. Miss Beautiful Hair had apparently tried something on her own - I am guessing bleaching - and her lovely long brown hair was now a color of yellow-orange that was here-to-for unseen in nature. And her eyebrows too! I was so shocked, I didn't even know what to say other than "that's sure a change."

[Virginia]

Oh man this is just what I needed. I've read this before and I LOVED it. Every time I see it I still laugh like I'm going insane. Just VERY VERY funny.

Thank you for the laugh Linda, it was much appreciated.

[ChickyChick (Kathy)]

Holy cow - that was so funny - are you sure you didn't write that one Linda? It sure sounds like it came from you!

:o)

[Linda Sharp to Chicky Chick]

If I wrote my personal experience, it would contain much more profanity...

[janna]

THAT is why I don't even like getting my eyebrows waxed!!!! I think I read this somewhere before (I bet my mom emailed it to me...) still hilarious the second time!

[Toni]

LOL Just the thought of getting waxed is terror for me. When I went to Beauty School to do nails they had the waxing room in the back. Everytime someone came in for a wax, we'd all gather in the hall to listen for the screams. From that experience I have decided I'll pull them out one at a time with tweezers before I go that route.

[ChickyChick (Kathy)]

I admit, I've tried the NADS, I've tried Nair and I've owned an Epilator in my lifelong quest for smooth as silk skin. The NADS was not as painful as this writer's experience, but it did banish me (for about 6 months) from trying anything more "New and Improved" than my trusty razor. The Nair made me about pass out from the smell and my Mom (yes, this was one or two years ago) told me that if I ever brought it into the house again she'd banish me to Siberia or some other far away land. In my ongoing search for that elusive remover of unwanted hair, I spent the seventy odd dollars on an Epilator. I read the book of instructions and got down to business. I believe I removed three hairs (screaming like a little girl) when I noticed the three pores where the hair came from had turned a nasty, ugly red and started to puff up (luckily, my test spot was near my ankle and not my hoo-haw). The pain was almost as unbearable as when I got got a Cone Biopsy in my nether regions. I vowed to return the demon seed. When I brought it back to Walgreens, all nicely packaged, in it's original container, I believe the saleslady smirked when I told her that it was nothing more than a vile, disgusting instrument of torture. She refunded my money and placed the package along side about 200 others that had been returned. Alas, I now stand by my Venus and will probably use her until I am too blind and wrinkly to pull my weathered skin taut - at which point I will hire someone to do it for me.

P.S. The biggest regret about not having children? Who the heck is going to pluck my chin hairs when I am too blind to see them? Gotta love MENopause.

[NH Diane]

I tried the home waxing thing once and the *one* strip of leg I managed to do was left with a beautifully colored bruise running the entire length. Never again!

[Shawn - Lakewood CA]

Too funny.

Speaking of eyebrows...I was blessed/cursed with very full eyebrows that actually pretty much grow across my nose...making a unibrow. It is not as noticeable as when I was a kid tho. Anyhoo...I get my eyebrows threaded. It is quick and only a bit painful.

But saves me from plucking which takes forever.

[alexx]

omg...literally crying here!!

[Nikki]

Hahahahahahaha. I am pretty blessed to not be especially hairy so only shave my legs every other week or so. I did, in my misbegotten youth, try Nair and the smell nearly made my nose hairs fall out.

When I was in high school I tried this self tanner whose name I have long forgotten. Well some of us do not read directions. The results: racing stripes down my legs and orange palms.

Do it yourself is seldom a good idea in the world of vanity.

Althouh I wonder how that PedEgg thing works. It looks like an egg and "scrapes" off dry skin and calluses and whatnot on your feet. Saving you THOUSANDS on pedicures. Anyone?

[Linda Sharp on PED EGG]

The girls and I refer to this as the Foot Grater.

Would you like some freshly grated bunion on your pasta, ma'am?

[Karen in IL]

My girls and I love the PedEgg, but definitely doesn't replace a pedicure.

[Anke]

Nothing like coffee spewed across the keyboard and screen :) OMG that is hilarious!!!

[Jennifer]

I have gotten waxed once; decided to go all out and get a bikini wax. I had big ideas about how hubby was gonna enjoy it...not so much. After every pore became infected (or at least that is how it felt) hubby wasn't allowed anywhere near me for almost a week. I swear the waxer took off multiple layers of skin.

I have heard lots of good things about the PedEgg, several of my friends have one and they like it.

[Toni]

The PedEgg is the bomb! But Karen is right, it doesn't replace someone to paint you toes all pretty without those messy smudges I usually end up with when I try and weld the toe polish myself.

[Sara to ChickyChick (Kathy)]

That is so funny! I am the oldest of 3 girls and we all made what we call a "chin-hair pact" with my mom that we would tell her when she couldn't see. She even took her own mother aside finally 2 months ago. What an improvment! Curse this wretched body hair!!!!!LOL LOL LOL

[Bobbsey]

I got into the habit of getting my eyebrows done about twenty years ago. I always love how my face "opens up" after it is completed. I also purchased Epilady years ago - shelled over the seventy bucks (which was a BIG DEAL back then, but I thought I would be saving hundreds in razor costs). Used it twice and then determined that there was no friggin way I was doing it again. I also did a bikini wax ONCE. It was for our honeymoon. Hubby noticed, but didn't give it raves - so I felt I didn't need to do it again.

[Ginger]

I laughed out loud in my office so now people are wondering what's so funny about a falling stock market. :)
I do my own bikini waxing - not a brazilian or anything - just a Spring clean up so to speak. I had it done professionally for years and finally decided I could do it myself.
The trick is real professional wax - I use "Poetic Waxing" (don't you love the name?) from Sephora.
Tried the Nads stuff - found it extremely painful. And I'm happy with a quick daily swipe of my Venus razor for lower legs and underarms.

[KelBel]

I remember reading that before too, and it is very funny the second time around.
I am blessed by not having much body hair, got it from my mom....I need to shave my legs about once a week and it's basically just strays. Well, my M-I-L gave me a beauty bag full of beauty stuff for Christmas w/ my gift (Amazon.com gift card, woohoo) and in it was one of those new-fangled twelve thousand blade "luxury" type razors. I was so thrilled because I always just buy a 2 blade moisture strip cheapie. Anywho, when I tried that thing I thought I was gonna die! It HURT so bad, I came out of the shower telling my husband I felt like my legs had been raped! It was AWFUL. I can only guess it's because I don't have enough hair and it was just scraping raw skin? Needless to say I am sticking to the 2 blader cheapies from now on!

[dawnb]

Okay -- just had to comment here -- waxing is *excrutiating* the first time you have it done. Painful the second time, but really just uncomfortable after that. I would recommend having it done professionally at first, then you can do your own 'touch ups'. I have been waxing my armpits & 'nether regions' for years and I can honestly say it's not that bad any more. Of course, I have had three children with no epidural either, so my pain threshold may be higher than most . . .

[Louise]

That was too funny! A DJ on the local radio station had a similar situation a few months ago. Apparently baby powder got the wax off in her case.
I wax my lower legs myself every few weeks. Best thing ever. And, my opinion, it doesn't hurt very much. (I have a low pain threshold). I use to wax my own eyebrows, but now I just maintain with tweezers. Tried my underarms once. Now that made me want to cry! Haven't tried to wax my 'nether regions', I'm too afraid.

[Cheryl S to Nikki]

"Do it yourself is seldom a good idea in the world of vanity."
Amen, sista!
I have emailed to me a few times before, and I laugh hysterically every time! Like most women,I tried the Nads once. ONCE. All it took was one strip and I threw it right in the trash!

[Lori in Texas]

I had the Epilady back in the late 1980's. I used it one time and never again. That thing HURT!!!

[Anke]

Has anyone here tried laser hair removal? I keep hearing commercials on the radio, but they don't really tell you anything you want to know - like does it hurt, how much does it cost, and the biggy - does it last???

[Lori in Texas]

Anke - From what I've read and seen, it's expensive and doesn't always work 100%. You have to go back numerous times for repeat treatments - and in places where the hair is thick (underarms, bikini area) the treatments aren't always totally effective... and you don't get your money back if it doesn't work.

I'd consider it if I had a wad of cash to blow, though.

[Anke to Lori]

Thanks for the info. Since I'm not one of those with "a wad of cash to blow" guess I'll have to stick with my razor, too.

[Gayla]

Now that I have had a hit of my inhaler from apoplexy, (that story is just about the funniest thing I have ever read - why do we get so much enjoyment out of another's pain?),I have to tell you guys about the little discussion my new husband and I had on our honeymoon one night!!!

My husband is a very handsome middle-aged man with a beautiful head of salt-n-pepper hair. He has the softest facial skin of any man I have ever met and I love looking at him - except for one thing - NOSE HAIR!!! He has little strays that grow out of the end of his nostrils and he refuses to cut them because he says they grow back thicker. I can just imagine it how - headlines "Man dies of suffocation - NOT from murder - from excessive NOSE HAIR".

Well, I decided to do a little google-ing to see if there was a beneficial method to "thin out" the forest growing above his upper lip. I found this hilarious video - http://video.aol.com/video-detail/nose-hair-plucking-with-dantes-boneyard/762049062. Then I found a blog on halfbakery.com I read it to my sweetheart and as I began laughing it was made all the more deviant as I saw his face contort and his hand flew to his nose as he gasped and cringed at the same time. The suggestion was to "remove nose hair with WAX"! You must read this. I laugh til I cry everytime I read it and the memory of his horror made it all the more fun! http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Nasal_20hair_20removal

Enjoy! Men have vanity issues too! Ain't it glorious that we have something to counter our own humiliation?

[Kelly in PA]

I have the PedEgg and I LOVE it!! It is so cool to see all the dry funk off the bottom of the foot. I am a little twisted that way though. I also like to peel skin after a sunburn (insert eewwwwww..... here). I wax my brow and lip, that's it!! The only way any wax is coming anywhere near the old VaJayJay is if I drop a candle in my lap. No thank you Ma'am!!

[Theresa from Virginia]

I started out having my eyebrows waxed a few years ago and loved it (hurt like heck the first time, but less and less so until now it really doesn't hurt). Then I started on the upper lip -- that still hurts like HELL! I recently had my legs and underarms waxed for the first time, and it wasn't so bad -- and the after effects were WELL WORTH IT! However, I don't think I'll ever get brave enough for the bikini waxing -- ouch!

Several women have mentioned nose waxing to me -- they say they couldn't do without it and it doesn't hurt at all. I might be brave enough to try that next time I go for a touchup.

Yeah, I tried the Nads (HUGE bruises after the first couple of patches, then stopped), and I tried the epilady -- WHAT WAS I THINKING???

I've tried Nair and all the other stuff, and I agree that the do-it-yourself stuff just doesn't get the job done. Spend the money and have all that stuff done professionally.