Well, the time has come to again kick a few bodies to the proverbial curb.
And I’m glad.
After the number of lackluster performances the past two nights, we really do need to thin the herd. Too many confusing blonds and too many girlfriends with headscarves and poofed hair. Too many boys who do little but take up space and denim.
By now, the talent is clear. And since I have to drive another two hours tonight to take care of my eldest daughter, let’s rip this band-aid off...
Lights low, the contestants lined up across the stage as Ryan began, "The competition is fierce (careful Ryan, I think Christian has a patent on that word), the eliminations are inevitable, the drama is real."
OK, Ryan, if we’re keeping it real, a la Randolph Jackson, fierce is a bit of an overstatement. Fierce implies lions, tigers, and bears. Not this group of puppies, kittens, and WebKinz. As for the drama being real? Not so much for us, dude. So let’s get to it.
Calling the 31 million votes phoned and texted in "unprecedented", he then said hello to the judges: Randy in his 1-800 FLOWERS shirt. I swear, Ricky Minor must be moonlighting as a stylist this season. And what’s up with chin pube extensions – didn’t they look thicker and darker than last night?
Oh wait. Last night was Sunday... Never mind.
Paula was also bogarting something from Fierocia Couture on Project Runway – his hairstyle. Hers was as lopsided as his ever was.
Simon, well, is it even worth saying anymore? Black.
Ryan then asked Randy what is the purpose of making the kids do theme nights?
His answer was actually good, and he’s right. It’s to get these kids away from what they know by heart from today’s radio. And honestly, we all know that anytime a contestant dares do something current, they always suffer by comparison.
So hearing Puppy Love take on Flo Rida’s Low, or Kady attempt Britney’s Gimme More (oh, wait – scratch that), just woudn’t work on more levels than I can count.
Ryan then brought up what everyone, including his own mother, has questioned this week. What in THE hell is up with the stupid sign language for the tone deaf impaired Simon has been doing?
Simon urged Paula to hold his hand to keep him from doing it, and then told Ryan it was secret code. Um,yeah – it is the international symbol for "Looooooo-ooooo-oooooser."
Moving on – quickly – because it was another GROUP SONG – and not a good one. The medley included I Saw The Light, Heartache, The Things We Do For Love (like suffer through GROUP SONGS), and I Feel The Earth Move. (I actually felt my dinner move .. a little too far north.)
The highlights (lowlights?)included MYchael’s terminal bed head. I like it. It makes me think of, well, bed. Ahem.
David C was recycling Blake Lewis’s ridiculous tuxedo t-shirt. Someone cleanse that thing with fire, please. Danny Alba shocked as he entered the screen in his bright orange striped sweater and meticulous make-up – he honestly looked prettier than the girls.
Several blonds filled the screen – I swear I still can’t tell them apart. And then there she was – Amanda. Hair pulled back, some length added – and she looked beautiful. I can totally deal with her blond on black hairstyle when it’s more subdued. I like being able to see HER.
Chikezie channeled Ward Cleaver in a lime green sweater vest, and Ramiele, Ramiele, Ramiele – someone get Tim Gunn. She has absolutely no idea how to dress her tiny frame. Those high waisted, tight pants? They only work on 6 foot, rail thin models. And even on them, they look stupid, like diapers with leggings attached.
Finally, as they all came together, they worked their big dance move of the night. The white man shuffle. Left, right, left, right, transferring their body weight from one foot to the other.
I have never been so happy to see a commercial break since, well, last week’s GROUP SONG.
Back on stage, the boys were assembled for the first round of cuts.
BACK ROW: Jason Le Pew, Danny Alba, Eze Mac, Dreadful, MYchael
FRONT ROW: Lukelando, David Cardenas, Poseur, Real Deal, Puppy Love
A video recap followed, as did my hitting the fast forward button.
With the lights down, Ryan had the back row stand up...
MYchael – SAFE; Eze Mac – SAFE; Dreadful – SAFE
That left Le Pew and Alba looking frightened – well, Danny looked a little pissed too, truth be told.
Ryan made it fairly quick – it was the end of the road for Jason. No one was truly surprised, then again, Miss Alba did look like he was going to faint for a second there...
Ryan talked to Jason for a moment, but I have no idea what was said, I was too distracted by the eerie greenish yellow lights shading half of everyone’s faces. They all looked partially jaundiced – even the judges.
Simon told him that he needs "a heck of a lot of experience" and that his main problem was he "didn’t stand out."
Then it was time for: Sing, circus money, sing!
He did. And I want an honest answer because I’m willing to ‘fess up. Who else completely forwarded through it? I hit the button so fast, I think I left skid marks on my plasma.
AFTER. THE. BREAK the girls were assembled thusly:
FRONT ROW:Carly, a Blond, Ramiele, Syesha, a Blond
BACK ROW: another Blond, Amanda, AlexandRAYa, a Blond, Asia’h
The back row stood, and Ryan quickly released Kristy (Blond #1), Asia’h, and Brooke (Blond #2) to safety.
That left Amanda and AlexandRAYa – now that was a toss up for me. Neither impressed last night – for different reasons. But if we’re looking at the bigger sin of non-memorability – then the choice was clear. Time for AlexandRAYa to go home.
Too bad – she’s cool and always having fun.
She reprised If You Leave Me Now – again, song titles on this show are eerily foreshadow-y in terms of who goes home – and I managed to watch about half. It was still just snoozy. (I did catch her go down the stairs to hug Puppy Love – lots of tears – that was sweet.)
Another break and we returned to the ladies still on the stage. This time the front row stood up and he quickly let Carly, Ramiele, and Syesha sit back down. Good. I want to see more of what they can do.
He called Alaina and Kady to center stage and they clung to one another while he recapped their performances. Staring at them that close together, it’s no wonder we can’t tell them apart – these two look like twins – Mary Kate and Nasty.
As it was, Annoy got to stay, and Alaina dissolved into tears. The first thing she said was, "I can’t sing. I’m sorry. It’s embarrassing."
No, Sunshine, it’s not. To be honest, it was refreshing to see someone finally own up to the incredible letdown and heartache this moment involves. I liked that she couldn’t immediately put on a brave face and soldier through.
Ryan asked Mama Abdul to say something and she stepped up with, "you are such a gifted, bright, young talent – you’re promising – and you have so many great experiences ahead of you."
Ryan then gave her the chance to sing, and surrounded by her girls, she managed to start. How fitting were those lyrics, I ask you?
"Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry."
No, no they’re not. That stage should resemble a salt pond from all the tears it has absorbed.
She continued to sing, and she did a fabulous job. I don’t think I have ever truly wanted to reach through my TV and hug one of these kids before tonight. I’ve wanted to reach through and choke some (Constantly Mugging Smarmoulis, Sanjaya), dry hump some (Daughtry, MYchael), snatch some baldheaded (Amanda, Scott Savol), but never just hug someone till now.
Another break and Ryan filled us in on the exciting news that come March 11, when we are down to the Top 12, there will be a new stage, Ruben Studdard has recorded a new exit song (good, I SO don’t want to start hating Hollywood’s Not America), and they have finally pried loose the Kung Foo grip on the Lennon/McCartney songbook.
Should be fun to watch Puppy Love do some Sgt. Pepper, huh?
Also, Idol Gives Back – the guilt-a-thon of last season – will be back for round #2. (Don’t get your pants in a wad. I am all for donating and giving to charity – I think everyone should, and too few who can, don’t. It’s just that show last year was the Bataan Death March of recapping. It was more bloated than a Gas-X commercial.)
And yes, I fast forwarded through the recap of THAT too. Sue me. I did catch that this time around Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Snoop Dogg (dear God, tell me he won’t be performing Sexual Eruption – it’s bad enough to have to hear it on the radio – I don’t want to see it.), Daughtry, and Carrie Underwood will be part of the proceedings.
Finally, the lights went down one more time, and the boys in the front row stood up. Ryan called Lukelando and Poseur to center stage, declaring everyone else SAFE.
Another great DUH moment in television, my friends.
As Ryan recapped their efforts from earlier this week, all I could concentrate on was Robbie’s shirt. Da-amn, that was a BIG skull.
That he can take home and not terrorize me with ever again – he was out, Lukelando was SAFE.
Ryan called all four ejects up to watch their Idol journey – another 60 seconds, and four clicks of the Jump button on my remote, and then Robbie got one last chance to pretend he is a rockstar, reprising Hot Blooded.
And I didn’t care. Click, click, click, click, click, watch them hug.
So, let’s see, this week I got 3 out 4 predictions right. I’m getting good at this. Perhaps a trip to Vegas is in order if I stay on this winning streak?
Viva, baby. Anyone else in?