American Idol Recap, Wednesday, January 16: Dallas, Texas: Big “D”elusions, Big “D”lights

Ahhh, ratings.

My DVR had barely cooled down from the repeated pauses and rewinds of last night’s premiere episode of American Idol Season 7, and already the bean counters were out trumpeting the fact that an estimated four million less people watched this kick-off than the start of season 6.

Which still gave the show a viewership of roughly 33.2 million folks. For the record, that’s more people watching AI for two hours last night, than the combined audience for ABC, CBS, NBC and the CW during the same time.

It’s just a wild guess on my part, but I doubt Nigel Lythgoe lost much sleep last night – having the most watched TV show of the season and all...

It’s inevitable though – the desire to shake the pedestal and see the great ones fall – we humans thrive on it. We like nothing better than to build something/someone up, only to laugh, point, and jeer as they begin the tumble down.

But given the internet buzz, comments, and torrent of emails to my own inbox since last night’s show, I highly doubt we’ll see American Idol shaving its own head or wearing an orange jumpsuit any time soon.

So far, the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, mainly because it seems the producers finally listened and kept the show positive – highlighting a full 10 out of the 29 contestants who received Golden tickets, and not highlighting the judges calling someone a "bush baby" or poking fun at obvious girthiness.

Sure, we got to relish a few truly hideous auditions here and there: Glitter Bitch (love that nickname), Stalker Paul (I repeat, I do not want to be caulked by this tool), and Ben Harr the man who had Ben Furr, but got waxed in an attempt to better show off his smooth manliness in that Princess Leia on a Krispy Kreme bender outfit. (Actually, he looked like a very suitable mate for Jabba – Carrie Fisher should breathe easy).

The one thing I do take issue with are the bad segments that were not even eligible auditioners (Milo the sexpert, Paul the Paula Abdrooler) but publicity seeking media whores.

I’d much rather see true delusional hopefuls butcher Open Arms, or sink like Titanic on My Heart Will Go On. Give me someone like The Hotness, hell, just give me a hot mess, I don’t care. Just don’t give me any more professional comedians (Paul) or aging, hippie, virginal, social workers. That’s not why I’m watching.

Well, maybe it is ... a little. After all, I plan on using some of those smooth lines to woo my husband ... hey baby, I’m a blackboard, chalk me...walk me, caulk me, Falk me...

Ahem...shall we recap? Good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to Dallas, Texas, a place I lived twice, for a total of eight years. A place where I birthed two of my daughters. A place where I have good friends, good memories, and a place I can always count on for good laughs. So grab a BIG buckle and strap yourselves in.

Ryan kicked off the Big D intro with a walk down memory lane – Kelly Clarkson, from Burleson, TX, Idol’s first season winner went from waitress to "global superstar" seemingly overnight, and POOF! a TV ratings juggernaut was born.

Can the Lonestar State do it again? Could be. Possibly. After all, we do everything BIG here – our hats are ten gallon, our hairstyles have their own zip codes, South Fork is here, and heck, we even see UFOs. (I told you the aliens love this show.)

And with over 13,000 people turning out for the auditions, including Perez Hilton?!?, surely we could be hiding the next American Idol.

With the judges in place – Paula looked lovely wearing my Grandmother’s couch, and the Hope diamond on her finger – we met our first contender, Jessica Brown, 24.

Jessica is a SAHM of two little girls, with a hard luck backstory – she was once a meth addict, complete with stereotypical arrest record, devastated family, bad skin. Seriously, meth is not a pore friendly drug.

But Jessica managed to pull her life out of the crapper, even crediting Carrie Underwood’s Jesus Take The Wheel as a song that reflects her journey.

But can she sing? Why yes, yes she can. As soon as she launched into I’ll Stand By You, I could immediately hear her voice on the radio. I like that while the good ones are singing, they cut away so we can only hear, not see – it’s actually helpful.

Apparently the judges liked what they heard too because Jessica is headed for the bright lights of Hollywood. Good for her. Happy tears all around from a family who has truly seen her at her lowest.

Next up, is good old boy, Paul Stafford, stomping away in the holding room. Paul is a park attendant and also a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts – I could just see a "Dangerous Curves Ahead" sign at this point.

He jumped into Elliott Yamin’s Wait For You with a vocal enthusiasm matched only by the dancing commitment of Chris Penn’s character in Footloose. He was feeling it, boy, was he feeling it, but like Chris – all the stomping in the world can’t replicate real soul or rhythm.

Paula tried to be gentle, calling it a "very joyful audition". Simon was more pointed, asking, "Have you ever sung in public?" to which Paul replied that his family had given him "two thumbs up."

Your family hates you, Paul.

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the opposite. Like so many of these auditioners, they have family members who love them too much to tell them the truth – that vocally, they suck monkey balls.

Paul was a gentleman, leaving with a "Nice to meet y’all", and outside told the camera that he was happy because, "Simon didn’t go down too hard on me. And Simon goes down on just about everybody."

I hereby nominate that for the QUOTE OF THE WHOLE FREAKING YEAR.

Seriously, Paula’s going to have to mainline Oxycontin and drink tequila straight from the bottle to beat that one.

Next up was Beth Maddocks, 18, a former singing waitress. Well, that’s promising, isn’t it? (Maybe not. Have you been to Johnny Rockets lately?)

Singing Beautiful Disaster, her screemching brought forth visions of Poseidon, Titanic, The Towering Inferno, hell, even Airport ’77 when the plane went underwater.

Disastrous all. And all hope was lost for Beth.

As it was for a steady string of wannabes like Esteban Deandra with the groovin' pornstache; Victoria Mess, sorry, Metz; and Drucilla Wideman – come on people, get with the program. There has only been one famous person by the name Drucilla and she was only famous for being a big footed bitch to Cinderella. At least change your name to something marketable if you’re going to audition for Idol.

Thank goodness, a musical Joe Patrone appeared, in the form of 16 year old Alaina Whitaker, to rescue us from further aural catastrophe.

A beautiful girl from Tulsa, she sang Stronger, and I was impressed. Certainly not the brightest star in the Idol constellation, but for sixteen? She was composed, controlled, confident, but not overly so. And she used complete sentences. I’d give her a Golden Ticket just for that.

The Talent Trio gave her one for rounding out the teen demographic for Hollywood.

After a break, we got treated to Gregory and Mia Tobias who get full credit for the creation of a new word at DGMS: Simulsucking or the ability to suck simultaneously by auditioning together.

Add that one to the dictionary, Webster.

Up next was one of those creepy parent-child stories that just give me the willies.

Meet Bruce Dickson, 19, and his father. Bruce and his daddy have a special bond in that Bruce has been taught from an early age that he shant have any contact with the opposite sex until the day they say "I do".

To that end, his father gifted him with one half of a gold necklace. Bruce wears the key, his Dad wears the heart. And on the blessed day when Bruce finally gets his first kiss (again, at the alter), his father will give the heart to the girl.

OK, look – I’m all for keeping it in your pants when you’re a teen. Far too many just throw away their virginity like old Chinese food. But to never even kiss anyone until you say "I do"? I’m sorry, but "I don’t" agree. I want my daughters to enjoy their first kiss, their fiftieth kiss, however many kisses it takes to find the prince and not the toad. I want them to learn about themselves and what they want and don’t want in a partner.

But I digress. If Bruce wants to be engaged to his father, that’s his gig. For the record, Carson’s offering upon watching this was, "Come on. What girl is going to marry some guy she’s never kissed? What if he uses too much spit?"

I love my daughter.

Bruce sang Ain’t No Sunshine for the judges, and although it was decent enough, the judges decided to give him the royal Kiss off and send him packing.

Happily, the next person featured was Pia "Zpia" Easley, 24, of Chicago. Pia is a model, and I must say, it does take a pretty face to carry off that little hair.

Carson, on a roll, interjected, "Am I looking at that wrong, or does she have sideburns?"

Hard to tell, Carson. Between the Mohawk and the patches that looked like yellow mold...

Anyway, she sang I’ve Got To Use My Imagination and, sideburns or not, she was pretty great. Simon called her interesting, and in one of the more colorful compliments said that for a backup singer, she was not like most of the "whipped donkeys" he usually sees. She got all Yeses.

Whipped donkeys. I think I have to file that away with "Hot mess".

After another break, we returned to one of the truly disgusting moments of this, or any Idol season. Seriously, it was grosser than Constantine licking my TV screen, or Sanjaya pumping his hips.

Brandon Green is 21, and needs a new hobby because his old one, that of collecting all his finger nail shreddings for the past seven years is just plain wrong. (Ryan referred to them as hash browns.) Come on guys – what in THE hell gets in your heads? Do you honestly think some girl is going to get turned on by a Zip-lok full of your dead nailage?

DIS. GUS. TING. Which in this case can be translated as WON’T. GET. LAID.

Fitting that his song choice was Rich Girl, the lyrics being, "Don’t you know, don’t you know, that it’s wrong..."

Somehow, despite his epidermal proclivities, this Elliot-Yamin-with-better-teeth (yes, I know they are all pretty now) wannabe managed to get two Yeses and a Golden Ticket.

Maybe airport security will confiscate his baggie...

Kayla Hatfield only has one bad habit – that of reminding me of Paris Bennett – she of the Smurfette speaking voice.

Big backstory on Kayla – when she was 18, she was involved in a horrible carwreck – so bad, her family thought she was dead. Half her face was disfigured, her eye seriously damaged – but Kayla fought back. Her recovery is complete and she has an appreciation for life I haven’t seen since, well, since Elisa on Project Runway. (I guess near death experiences really do make a person cherish what we all take for granted - breathing.)

Dressed in army boots, a black mini with matching jacket, and a flowy shirt that was the fabric equivalent of succotash, she growled into some Janis Joplin, and again, as was my chief complaint with Princess P, if you can sing like a grown up, you don’t have to talk like a Smurf.

All the judges loved her infectious spirit and we will see her, although I predict briefly, in Hollywood.

Now, obviously, since we were all feeling so good about this life affirming story, the producers felt the need to temper our joy with some EARritants in the form of Erick Mauldin, a fellow who had come straight from a Paintball battle; Charles Markham who served up notes flatter than the crepes at a Le Madeline; and Tristan Clemen who broke my American Idol Audition Commandment #47: No skinny white boy shalt ever attempt Aretha.

Seriously, Tristan, you better think, think, THINK, bout what you’re tryin’ to do to me...

The day was almost over, but not until 18 year old Kady Malloy of Houston had her chance to shine.

She bragged to the judges about being able to do vocal impressions ranging from Shakira to Britney to "that guy from Rascal Flatts" (now that’s range), so Randy asked her to do some Britney.

Now granted, this show was taped months ago, but how chilling was her choice of "I used to think, I had the answers to everything. But now I know, life doesn’t always go my own way..."? Talk about foreshadowing today’s basketcase who is definitely not a girl, but miles from being a responsible woman.

Kady then sang some of Before He Cheats, but she sang it as Carrie Underwood, prompting the judges to give her one more chance to sing as Kady. Luckily for her, she knew how to do that, and chose Simon’s favorite song, Unchained Melody.

This earned her, from Mr. Scowl, the big compliment that "of all the people we have seen so far this year, you’re the best – super, super talented."

Needless to say, it was 100% YES.

In all, 11 people got Golden tickets on day one. 11 out of 13,000? I’d say there was some Big "D"pression that night.

But with the dawn came another chance to impress the judges. And I must pause here and say (don’t ever tell me I don’t give credit when it’s due), Paula looked lovely on Day Two. Her hair was sleek and pulled back with a headband, her dress was simple and white. My God, you could almost mistake her for someone *gasp* normal.

(Bank that, Paula. I don’t foresee me going there too much in the future.)

First up to sing for the judges was Douglas Davidson, 28. He reminded me of exactly what I would expect to land on my doorstep should I ever call The Geek Squad to unconstipate my computer.

Douglas is serious about singing, in fact, he said he has been "trying to restart my singing hobby since I was 16". Um, Doug? 12 years is a long time to be jumpstarting something. Perhaps the battery is just dead?

But Douglas is serious about this singing business, despite a father who said things like "I hate you" (Dougie – learn this word now: DOUCHEBAG.). You see, he read an article years back in which Xtina talked about the perils of damaging one’s voice by misuse or strain.

I’m sorry, but given what I’ve seen so far, I think a strong poop would damage Doug’s voice.

In the audition room, his first professional move was to turn his back to the judges and make cow-birthing noises. He was "warming up".

He then launched into Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On A Prayer.

It was here that I actually paused the DVR as the first official wave of empathetic embarrassment (emparassment?) of season 7 washed over me. He sounded like a stroke victim. And the only reason I could see for him constantly crossing his arms was that he might have been trying to divert attention away from his monstrous pit stains.

Simon stopped him with "What the bloody hell was that?" which only served to spook him even more. He began pacing like Rainman, drinking water, moaning...

And he refused to stop singing, again going back to Bon Jovi, only with all the mooing and lowing, this time he sounded like he was poopin’ on a prayer.

Douglas was finally escorted out by security, and I’m just guessing, but I don’t think this national exposure made his Dad like him any better.

Time for something upbeat! Perky! Enter Angela Reilly, recently married to hubby Chad, a professional model, and wannabe Joe Simpson – he really wants to manage his wife’s singing career.

Problem is, Angela really can’t sing.

Her version of Baby Love gave cruise ship performers a bad name, and Hit Me With Your Best Shot? Well, I thought it surely must be an ode to the folks at Starbucks who prepared the triple espresso she must have had before auditioning.

Needless to say, it was a big No. But then, she’ll be OK – she can console herself by staring at Chad.

Another break and we returned to find Kyle Ensley, what George Bush and Clay Aiken would begat if they got their stem cells together.

Kyle has ambitions of being the next governor of Oklahoma...or a super big singing star! Given his red tie, yellow oxford, and nerdlet glasses? I’m thinking Governor’s Mansion, not Playboy Mansion.

But then, dammit, he went and sang Queen’s Somebody To Love, and he didn’t suck near as hard as Monica Lewinsky. In fact, I don’t think Freddie Mercury even turned over once in his grave.

And so, with the promise to not channel his test tube father, Clay, the judges gave him a Golden Ticket. I swear, anything can happen in an election year.

Slowing down this exciting ride we’re on was Tammy "Human Prozac" Tuzinski. She. Loves. Celine. Dion. "I have      pract   iced         and          felt       like    I        sing      the       best       to          my           ability."

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, huh, wuh, huh?!? Oh sorry, I dozed off there a minute.

Good God, what is this girl thinking? If brains are computers, we’re talking 486 here.

She attempted to sing The Power of Love, but it came out If You Ask Me To, which when pointed out to her, completely derailed her mental Amtrak. Screw this – I’m getting off this train and renting a car – you with me?

Next up was Colton Swon, who Carson took one look at and declared, "He’s hot. He’s in."

Singing Boondocks, my biggest complaint was that he fell asleep – at least it looked that way – his eyes were shut the whole time. No matter, Paula was on full horndog alert – he got his ticket, and said to the camera as he walked away, "Hopefully you guys see a lot of me."

Dear, sweet Colton...whatever you do, don’t let Paula hear you say something like that.

Oh look! The circus has come to town featuring a Shemalia in a bright orange tube top (although, I must compliment he-she on his-her shapely legs).

A string of Big "D"lusions followed: a man feeling a muskrat enter his colon – teeth bared - what else could make a man scream like that...

And the star of the off-off-off-offoffoffoffoff Broadway production of Hairspray

Backstory alert! Jump on your tractor and let’s journey to Mississippi to visit with Drew Poppelreiter down on the family farm. Yes, Drew is this season’s Garrett – never even been on an airplane, sings on his tractor.

But Drew is willing to give up the simple life if it means hog tying a career in music.

For the judges he broke out some George Strait, and while I don’t think George needs to worry, Drew did just fine – definitely stronger than anything Josh Gracin or Bucky Covington laid down in their auditions, and look at them now – all over country radio.

He snagged the required two Yeses and then exited to ... shake his Mom’s hand? Okaaaaaay, that was a tad odd.

Speaking of odd, Kyle Reinnick was up next. Kyle fancies himself a rocker, in fact he predicts he’ll be "the next rock sensation on American Idol".

Tell me Bo Bice wasn’t somewhere laughing so hard he sharted in his pants.

But Kyle swears he’s "pretty edgy" and that he’s heard "I’m intense". Yeah, I once described a bad burrito passing my hemorrhoids that way – edgy and intense.

Oh, Kyle is also an elementary school counselor. This faux tanned, guylinered, preppy rocker (procker?) counsels 5 to 8 year olds. Nice.

Singing Never Again for the judges, I had to laugh. He made Air Supply seem hardcore. Verdict? BFN – Big Fat No.

But that Kelly Clarkson moment was the perfect segue into a string of contestants completely butchering Since You’ve Been Gone – I swear, she must really have the folks at Idol pissed off at her.

The only highlights were the guy who slammed his transmission into the floor – it did, however, help him hit that high note, and:

Marcel MarSO? Or is it Shields & Oh Hell?

The Wicked Witch of the Rest?

Help?

Enter a beautiful young lady in a killer mod print mini dress – Nina Shaw, 24. Nix the Jasmine Trias yellow flower behind the ear though...

She started to sing Whitney Houston’s Run To You, which immediately broke Audition Commandment #7: Thou shalt not sing Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey or Celine Dion unless you are Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey or Celine Dion.

I really wanted her to be better, if for no other reason than I liked her dress. But she was just "eh". They gave her a chance to try a different song, and that did improve her chances, snagging her two yeses and a trip to CA.

Finally, with the holding room empty and the day almost done, there was only one person left to see the judges: Renaldo Lapuz, 44.

Yes, 44. Another producer plant who has no shot in hell of actually making it even if he could sing.

But onward we must trudge.

Renaldo is there because, "I wan audishun cause this is privlige to sing to whole world."

Oh, Renaldo is also dressed up. In fact, if heaven has prostitutes, surely this is what the pimps look like – all white, feathers, capes, silver, patent leather white platforms...

Renaldo wants to "give hope to those who are in despairs."

Crap. I know what he means.  I hate multiple despair.

In with the judges, they all point out Simon’s name on his white feathery chapeau – it is an homage to the great man himself, because, "he is everywhere." (He must be. How else could he go down on everyone?)

Renaldo chooses to sing an original composition called We’re Brothers Forever, and if you go back, close your eyes, and listen, I think you’ll agree with me – he sounds exactly like Ricky Ricardo would have if the Tropicana was a brothel.

And then, it just completely slid off the rails. It went on too long, it was too much, it wasn’t truly even funny after the first 15 seconds, but somehow, this William Hungabe got over two minutes of national airtime.

Ryan came in. Randy joined the guy in singing. Paula did sign language, then intwerpretive dance. I swear it turned into a weird Up With Creeple sing-a-long.

"I am your bro-therrrrr, your best friend forrrrrev-errrr..." I swear this is going to be stuck in my head till next week. (I need to get Paul to caulk my ears for me.)

Simon (and dear God, you just know it’s going to happen – I bet the download is available on iTunes within 48 hours for 99 cents) predicted it will be a hit record. I see it as the next Olympic theme song – can’t you just hear it at the opening cermonies, can’t you just see this halftard performing it? Little feathered children carrying flags and dancing? Aw hell, I see peace talks starting because of this. The Middle East turning into one big It's A Small World ride...

Mercifully it ended and Renaldo looked into the camera to tell us all that "Simon, you are heaven’s chosen."

OK, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Again.

And that’s it for Dallas. Think any lone star shone brighter than the others? Do you think Kelly Clarkson should have Nigel Lythgow shanked? And most importantly, do YOU think Simon is heaven’s chosen?

Tune in next week as we head to Shamu land – San Diego – to see who makes a splash, and who just ends up all wet.

Comments

[Sandy in NC]

"He jumped into Elliott Yamin’s Wait For You with a vocal enthusiasm matched only by the dancing commitment of Chris Penn’s character in Footloose."

OMG - THAT is the PERFECT description!!!! Had to stop reading just to give you mad props! You rule, Linda Baby!

[Randy in GA]

This one was great! Maybe it was my severe lack of sleep deprevation. I loved this one!

Thanks again Linda! Brava!

[Jackie in GA]

Now Linda - it must be obvious that Simon is chosen. Did you not see the glowing heavenly lights appear around his head? LOL

[Frankie]

At first I was annoyed by the crazy dude at the end, but after it went on so long, and Paula started dancing, my husband and I were cracking up.

Great recap, Linda. And thanks for the chat. The show was much more entertaining with the constant running snark commentary.

[Tom]

Laughed my ass off (quite an accomplishment at six a.m.) With Carson around, you don't have to worry about someone to ghost write for you if you go on a mini-vacation with Rudy. She sounds just like her mother :0) And I agree with Frankie about the end. My wife and I almost fell out of our chairs laughing.

Can't wait for San Diego.

[audreyf]

Did I hear that right? The girl that went into labor and had her baby named it (her) Idol? WTF? She MUST have been delusional from the heat!

[audreyf]

She named HIM Jamil Labarron Idol something or other.

[Linda S to Audreyf]

Yep - I actually wrote about her months ago when it happened.

[Diane]

Linda...great job, as usual! And thank-you for the chat room!! What a blast to enjoy AI with the other DGMS-AI addicts!!! My husband and daughter thought I was nuts, but it was fun to watch and chat at the same time. Now, I just need to re-arrange the family room furniture so that the TV isn't behind me while I chat!!!!

[Sandy in NC]

Ooh, Diane! Rearranging furniture? A sign of a TRUE addict! LMAO (she types from the 'puter already positioned for optimum TV viewing and simultaneous Internet surfage!) :P

[Jeanne]

Great recap as usual. I must say, I LOVED Renaldo. Thought the whole audition was funny as hell. Would like a bit of whatever he was smoking beforehand...

On another note, perhaps you should consider a dictionary page for your special wording: simulsucking, emparassment, procker, etc. It'll come in handy for us when we're in need of an unusual descriptor.

[ChickyChick (Kathy) to Jeanne]

Great idea Jeanne...I sometimes have to really rack my brain to remember what some of the "Lindaism's" mean - there are just SO MANY!

Linda, your recap was better than the actual show...thanks for the the great laughs to start my day :0)

[janna]

I totally fell asleep and missed the whole thing! Thank God for Linda and her recraps!

[Marc]

Fantastic recap, Linda. And the chat room was great, great fun. I'm looking forward to making this a weekly occurence. AI/chat at night, and Linda's recaps in the morning.

[Thomas J.]

"A string of Big "D"lusions followed: a man feeling a muskrat enter his colon – teeth bared - what else could make a man scream like that..."

From the short two notes that the producers allowed to make it on the air, I think the guy was singing "Surprise, Surprise" from the movie version of "A Chorus Line." Great song, decent musical, bad movie...but the song does call for the (male) singer to hit that ridiculously high soprano-esque note near the end. Too bad we'll never know what the rest of the song sounded like. However, not the best choice of Idol-audition songs, unless you're planning on skipping straight past AI to a Broadway stage.

Great recap, as always, Linda.

[Linda S to Thomas J]

Actually I was talking about that guy in the stadium stands (dressed in white) who screamed like a little girl (or a man with a toothy muskrat entering his colon...)

[Lori in Texas]

"Simon didn’t go down too hard on me. And Simon goes down on just about everybody."

As soon as those words left his mouth, I totally LOST it!!! I turned to my husband and said, "Millions of women all over the country right now are screaming 'I FRIGGIN' WISH!!!!!'"

Can someone please tell me where the line starts for this amazing service? Or does he have one of those little number-thingies like a deli???

[Veronica]

You never disappoint Linda! Ricky Ricardo at the Tropicana if it was a Brothel!! Holy Crap, I about lost it at that one! Not sure if that or the comments about Kyle Reinnick were the best! Thanks for the great recap. I didn't make the chat last night because the computer is not near the tv. I was planning to rearrange the furniture too! (Theres a snow storm coming this weekend, what a better thing to do when I am stuck inside!)

[DorothyTX]

" Simon goes down on just about everybody" I asked my husband - Did he really say that?? That one has to go down as THE quote of season 7. LMFAO !! Oh yeah - let me know if you find out where the line starts Lori. And do you really think Simon thought Kayla ( smurf) was good? I thought he was setting Paula and Randy up to be the bad guys and it backfired on him. She won't make it past the first round in Hollywood. Gotta agree with Linda - Paula looked adorable - very unPaula like- on day two.

[Lori in Texas]

Dorothy -

My husband and I thought the same thing about Kayla. She was awful, and I thought Simon was being snarky and making Paula & Randy the ones to boot her. My husband said, "You've got to be kidding me," when she was passed through to Hollywood. She won't make it past there, though. Her voice is a trainwreck, even if she does seem like a sweet girl. Personally, I thought "GlitterBitch" was better than her Tuesday night, and SHE didn't get through.

[NaShara]

I LOVED this episode of AI, but, Linda, your "recrap" took it to another level! The chat room is a great addition. Chatting with everyone during the show and after was a RIOT! My fingers are still recovering. Shout outs to Randy and slumrville and all the ladies of last night's group! See you next Tuesday!

[mommy2kimberly&riley]

I just want it on the record that Simon hasn't gone down on me. : )

[Elaine]

I thought of your recap when that guy said that Simon goes down on just about everybody. I lost it completely! CLASSIC! I agree, quote of the season...

[Kelly in PA]

I was watching this one from my elliptical machine (crazy day, oculdn't get it in until 9:30, YIKES). I almost fell off when the Simon goes down comment hit. I knew you'd have fun with that one, Linda!! Thanks for the great recrap. Nothing better than your take on the insanity that is AI. I am hopefully joing the chat next week. Ought to be fun.

[haileysmom / Jamie in Wisconsin]

I lOVED "YOUR MY BROTHER FOREVER" - My hubby, daughter & I were singing it - altho we were changing the words a bit, after the show ended.
Mr. Fake N Bake was scary. Hubby said "It looks like he sat too long under the tanning lamp & it messed with his brain cells!"

Missed the chat room - was in bed again by 9:30 (Sorry Linda!! - Yes, I am ducking!)

Cant wait for next week!!

[Sara]

My husband and I also lost it on the "Simon goes down on everybody" comment. It was perhaps the funniest AI moment ever. And my hubby and Carson must be on the same page, for he asked the same thing about Pia's sideburns. After some looking, I think it was a tattoo, either way she was good. And to everyone's comments about Kayla, I agree. She was just okay. I don't think she'll last long in Hollywood at all. Thanks for the re-cap Linda. I laughed out loud! Especially at the part about Drew shaking his mother's hand, because I thought the same thing. It's hard to try to explain to my three year old, as I read this, when he asks "Why are you laughing, Mommy?" It's a nice way to start my day with some laughs. :)

[Katy]

Great recap Linda. I thought the EXACT same thing about Tammy T (get off the prozac) - I said to my husband "could someone please wake her up?" Both Bruce Jr and Sr were VERY DISTURBING. If Bruce ever does marry, Daddy's going to be in there lives forever - ew! And another "ew" - can't remember where Kyle R was from (the school counselor) but I would warn any parent out there with children attending his school to have them moved to another immediately. I agree with some of the others, Kayla sucked. And one last thing, I'll NEVER eat hashbrowns again.

[Virginia]

I didn't get home till after 8:00 (central time ppl) so I missed the first hour of the show. Damn I wish I had seen the guy making the "simon goes down on everyone" comment. I damn near peed my pants just reading it!

Now my only question is... where is the Project Runway recap??? We're addicted to other shows too ya know! lol.

[Linda S to to Virginia]

Don't bust a seam... I'll be watching it and taking notes shortly, then hopefully getting the PR recap up by tonight.

Never enough hours in the day...

Now, did anyone see where I left my caffeine IV?

[DorothyTX]

Linda, I'm sure there will be a special place in heven reserved for you for all your hard work. Waaaay in the back, in a dark corner. But don't worry, we'll find you. LOL

[Carrie]

I've been reading this since halfway through last season when I first stumbled across it...at the time I was working two jobs and didn't get to see about half of the show, so your blog was a lifesaver Linda. This year I have all the time in the world and will have to see what I can do about finding my way into the chat next week...you increase my enjoyment of AI tenfold, at least. Thanks so much!

[Dana]

I predict that we'll be seeing Renaldo Lapuz again at the end of the season. (Yeah, I know, I'm not going out on much of a limb there...)

[Bobbsey]

I want it on record as well - that I haven't seen any Simon action either. Hey, what's up with that??? Best line of the night - hands down and given the source of the quote - the Chris Penn reference was priceless - it will go on in infamy.

[Virginia to Linda S]

Yeah yeah yeah.

I never and I mean NEVER watched Project Runway till I read the recap here for the first show of this season. Since then I decided I had to check it out and was blessed with re-run after re-run of that episode and the entire season 3. Until that first recap, I wasn't even interested in the show. You got me hooked!

You're like a freaking dealer and I'm just waiting for my fix. lol. But alas, I shall wait for tonight. Just hope I don't get the DT's too bad. :D

[Valerie]

Linda, again you are awesome! Thanks for all your time! Love 'screemching', it's seems to happen often. And Alaina from Tulsa, waaaay to into herself.When Simon said, "I don't think your as good as you think you are". She seemed surprised. Thought Kady was great, beautiful, funny ect. seemed humble. I like that. And especailly love the 'SHARTED' referece. My day is now complete!

[Jennifer to Linda S.]

2 words- COFFEE ENEMA... I hear it works way better than the IV...lol...

I love, love, love the recrap...it is perfect. I too shuddered when Bruce Sr & Jr were talking...hubby assures me that it had to have been a gimmick but I don't know... And Brandon's nail clippings made me want to vomit. I thought Kyle E. was adorable and, d@mn, I wish I had Shemalia's legs! I thought Drew was a sweetheart...Kyle R. comes from the same area where I went to high school (there are a lot of dellusional people there...) Hubby & I laughed our butts off the whole time Renaldo was singing, it made for a good ending to the night. Thanks for all of your hard work, it is much appreciated!!!

[QueenOfChaos]

"Kady then sang some of Before He Cheats, but she sang it as Carrie Underwood, prompting the judges to give her one more chance to sing as Kady. Luckily for her, she knew how to do that, and chose Simon’s favorite song, Unchained Melody."

I still think she sounded like Leanne Rimes when she sang this.

[Lindsay]

I also think that "We Are Brothers Forever" would make an EXCELLENT Finale song!!! :)

[Toni]

LOL mommytokimberly, Simon hasn't showed up at my house for my turn yet either. I had to back the show up and hear that comment again, and knew it was probably going to be one of the best things I'll hear out of AI this year.

[Lauren in Temple]

So Linda, I don't want to make you bust a vein or pop a cornea from all the TV watching you do on our behalf...but does this mean the end of the project runway recaps?

[Linda S to to Lauren]

I will keep doing the PR recaps - the one covering last evening will be up late today!

[Leigh in FL]

OK, I was grinning ear to ear while reading this trying to keep quiet for all the nappers in my house until I got to "sharted" and then I lost it...then came "he is everywhere." (He must be. How else could he go down on everyone?)and I was laughing so hard it was difficult to breathe. Then you finished me off with "I swear it turned into a weird Up With Creeple sing-a-long." I laughed until I passed out. (In my defense, it hasn't been a good day health wise.) Thank you Linda...I always said I wanted to go with a smile on my face! Sorry I missed the chat last night, I bet it was a lot of fun. Hopefully I can make it to next weeks session. Can't wait for the PR recrap since I missed the episode all together. Sharted...hehehehe that was the highlight of my day!

[NH Diane]

I gotta say, I loved after Renaldo's ("heaven's pimp") performance when he talked about how wonderful Simon is. He sounded so sincere and his accent is adorable. And the halo-like graphics that AI put around Simon made the whole thing priceless. That was my favorite part of the show.

It completely cracks me up to read Linda's and everyone else's comments and to realize that millions of people across the world are simultaneously having the same thoughts.

[Carmela]

When that line about "Simon goin' down on just about everybody." was said, I IMMEDIATELY said (Out loud. To my BF. Oops.), "Yeah, right, I wish."

Being a HUGE Simon Cowell fan (read: lustful admirer)I couldn't help but allow my mind to go there.....and now I know A LOT of you pervs did too!!

To: NH Diane...I'm with you on the Renaldo part...it MAY have gone on a little too long, 'cause the song is a tad bit annoying, but the whole undercurrent of the guise that Simon is some heaven-sent angel.....and Simon's facial expressions with the halo around him....priceless. I was laughing out loud during that part too!!

Great recRap Linda!! Great posts everybody...it took me all day, but I finally got caught up!!

[Sara]

Forgot to ask this in my earlier post...in regards to Gegory and Mia Tobias and their simulsucking (LOL) am I the only one who recognized that song? It's from a "Feature Films for Families" series of movies that my grandma had when I was a teenager. I do love that song, and if you could have heard the lyrics, it is rather touching...never thought I'd see it on AI, though...

[Shawn - Lakewood CA]

I just now got a chance to read the recap. No internet access on Thursdays for me. :(

As soon as the guy said the comment about Simon going down on everyone...I lost it. Where do I sign up cuz I haven't had my turn yet!!!

I thought Renaldo was fun and at least somewhat understandable. He reminded me of an asian liberace tho he may not be asian, tho on tv last night he looked asian.

Aud and I were discussing what meds that the tranquilizer girl could be on...lithium seemed a good bet.

Great recap as always. And the chat room was the best way to enjoy it.

[Marnie]

Coming from someone who has to keep everything very politically correct on her blog, I applaud you for nominating the "going down" comment for Quote of the Year...I couldn't agree more. I'm still convinced I'm going to get fired for repeating Simon's comment about back-up singers showing up like "whipped donkeys." LOL! Oh my, I couldn't agree more re: Brandon. My old neighbor above used to clip his toenails over the railing and it always made me nauseous. BTW, will Chris Hanson come to get me if I say that I do believe I am in love with Drew!? :-)

[Scott]

Linda, do you have a picture of CHAD??? I, too, would like to stare at him for consolation. :) (Seriously, you have my email)