Now that we are down to the final ten and the heat has been turned up in this contest, it is quickly becoming evident that there is a certain comfort zone each player is gravitating towards.
With Lakisha and Melinda, it lies in their overly obvious song choices. Phil has found his personal feng shui inside his many hats, unfortunately it really bugs the yin out of most viewers yangs.
Blake is clinging like Saran Wrap to alternative rock and beating his box. While others must be buying into their own press and believing they can get away with either vocal (Haley) or visual atrocities (Evil Malaknievel & Jordin Stefoney).
Yes, they sin. Who among us doesn’t? But as I am fresh out of stones to throw, I thought I would share with them, and you, the newly discovered Ten Commandments For Season Six Singers (unearthed from beneath a mountain of Paula’s discarded hair extensions)
1. Haley –
1. Haley –Thou shall acknowledgeth thy time is upeth when thy inseam weekly upstagethes thy vocal reacheth.
2. Phil - Thou shalt not haveth both Bette Davis’ eyes and Joan Crawford’s brows uponeth the sameth faceth.
3. Melinda - Thou shalt consulteth a stylist who defineths thy neck and thou shalt finally kill in an ageth appropriate, fashion savvy-eth outfit..
4. Blake - Thou shalt not rippeth off every songeth thy sings frometh a certain groupeth with three numerals. Reference Psalm 3:11
5. Chris S - When thou’s commandment readeths like you talketh, perhapseth tis timeth to seeketh the services of thy friendly neighborhoodeth thpeech therapith.
6. Jordin - Thous shalt never again mixeth thy Betty Crockereth cookbook with thy car cover when you performeth in front of 30 millioneth people.
7. Lakisha - Thou are allowethed, nay commandethed, to searcheth the kingdom for the power and glory ofeth songs sungeth by thoseth who may noteth be blacketh divas. (see Book of Aretha, Whitney, Donna, and Billie)
8. Chris R - Thou shalt taketh vocal Pepto Bismal beforest thy performance so as to thwarteth thy vocal runneths. Thou shalt also snorteth some Afrin as your nasal twangeth is a scourgeth uponeth the earth.
9. Gina - Thou shalt embraceth fully thy rockedness, or thou shalt do awayeth with iteth completely. No more pretendingeth with funny chains and hookereth boots. (The Gospel According to "John")
10. Sanjaya - If thou haseth testicles, thou shalt not sing a song recorded byest a person with ovaries. You will always forgetteth to switcheth at least one he to-eth she. Also, thou shalt not performeth wearing a helmet from an actor at Caesar’s Palaceth, or looking liketh Marvineth the Martian.
And now, because anyone so obviously flipping (or wearing) the bird to viewers as Sanjaya is deserves what he gets, may I present the following video from one Fanjaya to Sanjaya...
Now, let us pray...I mean ... recap.
With the lights down low, the kids look like figures in Madame Tusseaud’s as Ryan states, "Tonight we hit single digits, but whose number is up? Two very important questions will be answered: Who is going home? And How will Sanjaya wear his hair?"
Wait! I saw the wax figures move! They must be animatronic! Cooooool.
As the doors slide open, Ryan’s head is not engulfed in bright white lights, but he appears to have Paula Abdul sitting upon it.
No, wait – it’s a just a faux hawk made of all of her polyesthair – good one Ryan. But seeing as how the image of Sanjaya’s nightmhair was with us on every TV station, website, and newspaper today, can we move on?
A quick pan of the judges shows Randy and Simon bookending Paula in gray. Paula, however, spent her day planning the fashion brown nose of all time. Could she have sucked up to Gwen Stefani anymore than this? Hair again ponytailed back like Gwen’s, clothes straight from Stefani’s L.A.M.B. line – tie, Jiffy Pop white shirt, jumper with little girl straps.
Gwen, just make her an honorary Harakookoo girl and get on with it, please.
A quick video recap allowed us to look back on what was surely the most awkward theme in AI history – Songs Sung By Gwen Stefani or By People She Digs. Seriously, how do you top a mishmash of music which included everything from Donna Summer to Sting? Songs I Hum On The Toilet? Songs Playing While I Stand In Line At The Bank? Songs Sung By People Who Have Choked On Sandwiches Or Their Own Hork?
I think Melinda could really do Mama Cass justice.
But I digress...this is only a half hour show and I did not warn you people to pack a lunch.
After the first break, we come back to the Ford vommercial (vomitous + commercial, you people know I hate these exploitation flicks - all that's missing is Quentin Tarantino, 300 gallons of blood, and Kurt Russell driving an unstoppable Ford Focus) this week set in the wild, wild west – at least the Wild, Wild West if dressed by Abercrombie & Fitch.
The scene opens with Sheriff Jordin nailing up a Wanted poster of Chris Richardson – I surmise he is wanted dead or alive for robbing Justin Timberlake and the Phoney Express.
As he trots into town, he looks down at Jordin, who has all the fierceness necessary to rid the west of Barney and the Teletubbies, with a sleezy gaze that says, "Yeah, I could nail that at fifty paces." ICK.
Then Oh. Thank. God. Three Ford Mustangs pull up to Anachronism City and out pop Hussy James Scarnato, Sanjaya The Lone Stranger, and Philly the Kid!
They corral old Chris and do what all lawmen back then did to the lowdown, dirty mongrels they nabbed – made them wax their horses.
Assembled on the Divans of Destiny, the kids are sitting thusly:
Back row: Chris S, Gina, Jordin, Haley, Sadjaya
Front row: Blake, Lakisha, Phil, Melinda and Chris R.
Tonight’s elimination strategy? Pull the bottom three to center stage for proper humiliation. Kind of a hanging in the town square as it were.
Blake, cute as an LSD tripping bug in that technicooler hoodie – SAFE
Lakisha – NOT her Last Dance with Idol – SAFE
Phil – must not have had time to wash his hair – wearing another hat – oh wait – HE HAS NO HAIR – Get your chapeaued tush to center stage.
Melinda – SAFE to explore more fashion options next week.
Chris R – wearing more labels and names than a NASCAR racer – SAFE
Sanjaya – suddenly looking far too normal – SAFE – do you hear that, "J"? Now eat something. He has enough hair on that head to work into at least four more week’s worth of vote inducing styles. Next week? Princess Leia Cinnabons on each side of his head.
Haley – who tonight, I believe, surpassed Paula’s all time record of fifty two pounds of fake hair, setting a new record of 54.3 pounds – if you can walk under all that weight, please head to center stage, you are in the Bottom Three.
Jordin – Hey Baby, that’s a much better outfit tonight – SAFE
That left Chris S and Gina to test the limits of their antiperspirant while we sit through another break, the AI Challenge To See How Stupid We All Are With Our Money, and finally, a performance by Gwen Stefani. I hope they are using something powerful like Degree or Secret solid – strong enough for a man, but made for a ... oh hell, just give some to Chris Sligh before he oozes off that couch, please.
The American Idol Challenge question this evening? Which of the finalists from Birmingham, Alabama was dubbed The Velvet Teddy Bear?
A. Bo Bice, who would hit anyone who called him that with Matilda the Mikestand
B. Ruben Studdard – hmmm...big, cuddly, velvety? Could it be?
C. Taylor Hicks, who might appreciate a velvet teddy, but only if it had a southern woman inside it and she was carrying a pitcher of sweet tea and a plate of chicken.
D. The producers should skim all this 99 cent text cream off the top and pour it into Idol Gives Back.
Finally Ryan gets around to introducing probably the biggest currently relevant pop performer (don’t get your purple britches in a Princely uproar) to the stage. Gwen Stefani comes out, and I guarantee you, if she had not been on national TV, she would have gone all Hollaback Girl on look-a-like Paula Abdul.
They looked like two sixth graders who had called each other before school to plan what to wear. And I seriously doubt that was Ms. Stefani’s intent.
There Gwen was in a white shirt, tie, ponytail, and short shorts jumper complete with little girl straps. I didn’t see Paula’s feet, but I dare say they were sporting white ankle strap pumps like Gwen.
Seriously, someone tell me what Abdon't was thinking? Did she envision that Superstar Stefani would fly down to the judges' table, holler "Wonder twin powers activate!" and help Paula morph into "Shape of a mega-popstar!" and allow her to perform with her? Sorry Paula, but all you managed to do was assume "form of a giant brown nosing ass!"
Singing The Sweet Escape, Gwen was surrounded by her now trademark Harajuku girls, who tonight looked like toy soldiers ... toy soldiers in the Fantasyland Santa visits when Mrs. Claus is away from the North Pole, that is. Crisp back and white striped mini dresses with petticoats, high heels, baby doll socks, and their hair rolled on top of their heads like, well, dinner rolls.
(Wait! Did I see Sanjaya sketching their hairstyles?!?)
Gwen sounded terrific, she always does, and she worked the stage among her girls and the four nondescript male dancers dressed in black. But then, who’s that off to the side dressed in a bright red sweater and the brass knocker from my front door? Akon!
OK, I know he was hyped as appearing with her tonight, but did he actually contribute anything beyond several Woo hoo’s and a dangerous near encounter with his buttcrack in those low riding JEANS?
Ryan then chatted with Gwen after the song and she hyped her upcoming Sweet Escape tour which kicks off in April – yes, Akon will be on hand to Woo Hoo and Moon Hoo his way across the country.
AFTER. ONE. MORE. BREAK. Phil and Haley were once again at center stage and Ryan asked Gina and Chris S to stand. A quick recap of what they sang last night and then Gina was SAFE (she deserved to be) and Chris was NOT (he deserved to be).
Of course, this Bottom Three thing is just one big scam, so Ryan set about sending one person back to the safety of the couches...
Haley... (insert dramatic pause) ... youneedtostandtheresomemore...PSYCHE!
Phil, you are SAFE. Now go and pick out another hat, you big goofbald.
Randy and Paula opted for political correctness and did not predict who they thought was going home. Simon, however, not burdened by all that bourgeois BS, simply stated, "Bye, bye, Curly."
If you look closely you can see Chris’ hair actually wilt at that comment.
Ryan stated that, "After over 30 million votes, Haley you are SAFE. Chris this is the end of the road."
That’s when Chris’ entire body wilted. I don’t think, despite his poor showing last evening, that he actually thought he would go home before Miss AmHairica.
Watching his video journey, I truly have liked him since the beginning for his sense of humor and willingness to be self deprecating. He has no illusions about himself and therein lay much of his appeal. Unfortunately, he really did Slighde downhill with each performance.
Reprising his echo-y take on Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, he sounded breathy again, but at least tonight he also had the raw emotion to go with the song. Too bad he couldn’t have been heartbroken last night...
I was yanked from my reverie by the lines, "My silent fears that grip me, long before I reach the phone..."
Do you hear that Sanjaya?
Fear is a powerful motivator, my boy. We may be worried about you making it much further, but we have the telephones...so be afraid, be very afraid.
Then again – I’m sure Gwen would give you a job when we finally get you gone – you seem open to just about anything...