I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again.
Stupid people rock.
I love them so much, I am currently working on a book with that title. It is a testament, nay, an homage, to the never ending parade of idiots and the endless variety of idiocy practiced by them.
Seriously, just when you think no one can top searing their colon with a lit firecracker, along comes someone new to challenge them for the world heavyweight stupidity title.
Meet today’s challenger: Bryan James Hathaway, 20, of Wisconsin.
How, you ask, does young Bryan qualify for the title of My Brain Has More Holes Than A Loaf of Swiss Cheese? What stupor human feat has he performed?
Well, Bryan is an animal lover.
So what, you say? You love your kitty cat or puppy dog too?
Well, Bryan really loves animals.Really, really loves them.
Not that PETA wants him among their ranks.
You see, dear Bryan adores animals so much, he was caught having sex with one on the side of the road.
It gets better. (Or worse. Depending on your sense of humor and how strong your stomach is.)
The deer was dead.
I’ll pause while you swallow that little bit of vomit you just horked up.
Yes, Bryan was caught getting jiggy with a “sleeping” Bambi and hauled off to jail. He now stands trial for “sexual gratification with an animal”.
But wait – it gets even better.
His lawyer, Frederic Anderson, who only serves to reinforce the sheisterish stereotype of the entire legal profession, argued that “the deer ceased being an animal upon its death”, so no molestation actually occurred.
Anderson contended that a charge of sexual gratification with an animal could not be sustained because "the term 'animal' refers to a living organism, not a carcass."
So to follow that – gag – logic, there should really be no law against necrophilia, right? I mean, once a person dies, they are essentially just a casing – a people sausage, if you will, not an actual person.
Give me a break.
The guy was caught with his pants down and his bare ass humping a dead animal. He needs locked up if only to protect the world’s livestock from his lusty glances.
Of course, this whole thing got me thinking. I know, I know – it’s a sickness – I can’t turn my head off once it gets going, especially when the grist is so plentiful for my mental mill.
Imagine the cop who found the guy.
Tooling along the road, minding his own business, probably munching his way through a Krispy Kreme and some coffee, and then what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a half naked human reaming out a dead deer.
And I can just picture Bryan as he realizes he has been discovered midthrust. I’m sure he froze like a, well, apologies to venison everywhere, but like a deer in headlights.
Then the poor cop had to not only haul him off the deer and into the station, but then write up a report. I highly doubt this falls easily into any of the precategorized offenses on the books.
And the judge? Good God, the judge surely must have been looking for Ashton Kutcher and the Punk’d crew when he saw the case description on the next morning’s docket.
Personally, I have to say that I don’t really have a problem if someone wants to do the nasty with a dead animal. Yes, it’s beyond disgusting, but it’s a fairly victimless crime (unless, of course, the person goes looking for a deer to run down – then it’s a sex crime and a homicide). And if we’re all lucky, the person will get deer cooties and their dick will fall off, thus ensuring that he cannot procreate with humans.
Rather, what I really have a problem with is that I HAVE TO SHARE THE LIMITED AMOUNT OF OXYGEN ON THIS PLANET WITH PEOPLE WHO F*CK DEAD DEER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!
Where was I?
Bryan will be going before the judge again soon to learn his fate. But I imagine, in light of what everyone else who gets caught with their pants down does these days, he will be heading to a rehab of some sort soon.
Perhaps like heroin addicts who get weaned off the real stuff with methodone, they can improvise some similar treatment for Bryan.
Maybe start him off with a smaller dead animal, like a sheep, or a goose. Then wean him down to guinea pigs. Finally they can give him one of those blow up reindeer from the Christmas department at Walmart.
After all, what with all of the other reindeer laughing and calling him names, old Rudolph is used to being abused, right?