Emergency room doctors are fun to hang out with. Not just because they can offer insta-diagnosis over beer and chips, are skilled at carving your Thanksgiving bird, or have a high tolerance for idiots - having been exposed to every level of them on their midnight to 8am shift.
Rather, they are fun to have at parties because they have no end of entertaining stories to offer the conversation. And what, you ask, might they talk about? Band-aids? Sutures vs medical grade super glue? Self inflicted gunshot wounds to the armpit?
Oh ye of little imagination.
Sure, there are those stories, but most ER docs could write a book detailing their adventures and open a museum with all the objects they are called upon to remove from their fellow human beings.
When's the last time your desk job required you to extract something from someone's ass? (And NO, the stick retained in your boss's orifice doesn't count.)
Meet the doctor (who wishes to remain anonymous) in Pakistan who was on deck in the ER when police brought in an inmate, Fateh Mohammad, from a nearby prison.
Mohammad had woken up one morning and began complaining of severe pain in his anal region. (Not unusual in a men's prison, you say? Well, your filthy mind aside, he apparently had no "buddies" of that sort - wait, would that be "butties"? Nevermind...)
Guards finally transported him to the hospital where an x-ray revealed an entire, intact, glass light bulb looking for an outlet, as it were.
Now, Mohammad swore on his Quran that he had no idea watt was going on or how it came to be wedged in his anatomy. He surmises that guards or other prisoners must have drugged him and then planted the bulb like an Easter tulip.
Doctors don't buy it.
People, in general, are notorious for wedging items up their cabooses for "fun" or "pleasure" and then having things derail when they get caught, stuck, or otherwise begin to cause pain. Apples, Coke bottles, marbles, gerbils - you name it - I bet an ER doctor has had to fork one out of someone's rectum at some point in their residency.
Prisoners are notorious for either swallowing odd objects - batteries, scissors, tweezers, reams of paper - or inserting objects down yonder - an ice pick, tin cup, toothbrush, parsnip - in order to be taken from the prison, albeit briefly, and enjoy the pampering provided in a hospital.
Call me crazy, but even with my overstressed-three-kids-carpool-pay-bills-deadline existence, you will never find me eating a mortar and pestle with my anus in order to "get away from it all" and enjoy the green Jell-o in a hospital.
Butt, I digress... (like you didn't think I would work that in.)
The doctor in Pakistan perfomed a 1 1/2 hour emergency surgery and managed to remove the light bulb in one piece. For his part, Mohammad praised Allah for finally being pain-free and able to eat his breakfast.
No word on whether the bulb was regular or HOWLogen.
For reference (and because I take perverse pleasure in the stupidity of my fellow humans), I present to you this list from a 1986 issue of Surgery Magazine...(I have humbly editorialized in parentheses for your enjoyment.)
Objects In Rectum and Number Recovered From 182 cases
Glass or ceramic
Bottle or jar - 32 (The doctor turned them in and got 78 cents for recycling.)
Bottle with attached rope - 1 (At least this person had a plan for removal...)
Glass or cup - 12 (No wonder the cupboard is always bare...)
Light bulb - 7 (and Mohammad thought he was being original...)
Tube - 6 (Inner? Of toothpaste? Steak?)
Apple - 1 (An apple a day...)
Banana - 2 (Holds no appeel for me.)
Carrot - 4 (Did someone dangle it there to entice the gerbil?)
Cucumber - 3 (Old joke, but true joke, I guess.)
Onion - 2 (And you think they give you bad breath...)
Parsnip - 1 (you didn't think I made that up did you?)
Plantain (with condom) - 1 (safe sex with a plantain!?!)
Potato - 1 (The kind you get in a steakhouse or those little red boiler kind?)
Salami - 1 (Genoa or Oscar Meyer? It says a lot about the person...)
Turnip - 1 (What the hell else are you going to do with them?)
Zucchini - 2 (People are always growing too many of these damned things.)
Ax handle - 1 (Paul Bunyon would be disgusted.)
Stick or broom handle - 10 (Multi-tasking? Clean the counters and floor at the same time?)
Miscellaneous or unspecified - 3 (splinters? branches? fake legs?)
Vibrator - 23
Dildo - 15
(These speak for themselves - at least the expensive Swedish versions do...or so I've heard..ahem.)
Curling iron - 1 (I really hope it wasn't turned on.)
Collections (one case of each)
Dull knife - 1 (well, if you're going to insert a knife...)
Ice pick - 1 (All I can say is that you have got to have a high pain threshold.)
Knife sharpener - 1 (for that dull knife)
Mortar and pestle - 2 (See? I did not make it up.)
Spatula (plastic) - 1 (I'll never look at my Williams Sonoma utensil the same way again)
Spoon - 1 (Prison fave.)
Tin cup - 1 (Another prison staple.)
Candle - 1 (It is dark in there, you know...)
Flashlight - 3 (Had to see to light the candle.)
Iron rod - 1 (Now where did I leave that fireplace poker??)
Pen - 2 (Personally, this would not be something to write home about.)
Screwdriver - 1 (For when your butt's in a knot?)
Toothbrush - 1 (Really good hygiene, I guess.)
Wire spring - 1 (It poked up out of the mattress, I swear!)
Balloon - 1 (Not a hot air one, I hope.)
Balloon attached to cylinder - 1 (What the...?)
Condom - 1 (Only one?!?! I find that surprising.)
Baseball - 2 (I was sliding into home when the catcher bent down...)
Tennis ball - 1 (That Agassi has a wicked serve.)
Pool cue ball - 1 (Talk about a scratch...)
Candle box - 1 (We already know where the candle is.)
Shampoo Bottle - 1 (Those things do get slippery in the shower.)
Snuff box - 1 (See? Tobacco can kill you!)
Bottle cap ** - 1 (Drunken frat boy tried to open beer with his ass.)
Cattle horn - 3 (Drunken rodeo clown tried to open bull with his ass?)
Chain (gold) - 1 (NO! You can't have your promise necklace back!)
Frozen pig's tail - 1 (I don't even want to know. Were they out of gerbils?)
"Kangaroo tumor" - 1 (How does one obtain such a thing to begin with?)
Hair Mousse Cap - 1 (Admit it, you're always losing the cap too.)
Plastic rod - 1 (the kind you hang a shower curtain on?)
Stone - 2 (Smooth river rock, I would hope.)
Toothbrush holder - 1 (Goes with that toothbrush above)
Toothbrush package - 1 (The garbage can was full.)
Whip handle - 2 (Even S&M tools are sometimes defective.)
2 Glass tubes (And the Science teacher blamed the class...)
72 1/2 Jeweler's saw (Excuse me?)
Oil can with potato stopper (I am trying to picture this contraption, but keep envisioning the Tin Man naked...)
Piece of wood, peanut (It's all he had lying around.)
Umbrella handle and enema tubing (Must have been a boring, rainy day?)
2 Glasses (Less to clean up in the kitchen?)
Phosphorus match ends (homicide) (Someone was trying to light that candle and the other person blew up? Would that be arse-en?)
402 Stones (I knew I couldn't have gained fifty pounds overnight!)
Toolbox (Are we talking Christmas stocking sized or one of those big Orange Black & Decker jobs from Home Depot?)
2 Bars soap (Slippery little suckers.)
Beer glass and preserving pot (No room in the dishwasher?)
Lemon and cold cream jar (Refreshing and moisturizing at the same time.)
2 Apples (In this case they did not keep the doctor away)
Spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, and magazine (Damn airlines! See, this is what happens when you're only allowed ONE carry-on bag!)