I approach this recap with the same mix of emotions being experienced by my daughters who will wake up in the morning and realize that their school year is officially ended.
I am thrilled to be able to go back to a normal bedtime on Tuesdays and Wednesdays - we old farts need our beauty rest and I have the yearly American Idol bags under my eyes, which are currently big enough to qualify as steamer trunks. Yet, vanity aside, I am honestly sad to see this season coming to an end. I haven't enjoyed recapping a previous season of AI as much as I have this one, and it truly has to do with the incredible people who have embraced these ridiculous ramblings of mine and become frequent fliers in my email inbox.
Whether you march with the Soul Patrol, suffer from McPheever, unabashedly proclaimed your lust for Pickles, or wept when Elliott left the building, you are all funny, passionate, opinionated, engaging folk and I hope that once the confetti settles, you will continue to stop by the Don't Get Me Started blog and make yourself at home in my email anytime.
Thank you all for a great season.
Now, as this evening is going to be the Bataan Death March of commercials and contain more bloating fillers than a 7-11 Burrito, let's get on with the recap...
I managed to catch the final moments of the American Idol Red Carpet preshow, which included Constantine smearing up my television screen (dammit, I just cleaned it), and then Katharine's parents chatting with the red carpet gang. Kat's dad looked very respectable in his suit and tie, but her Mom Peisha took the prize for Most Wholly Inappropriate Attire of the evening (and when you can wrestle that title from Paula Abdul, you know it is bad). I have nothing against mature ladies dressing sexily, I do it myself when I go out with my husband, but her dress contained cleavage that dipped to her navel, and showed way more breast than Kat has been known to do. Seriously, unless you're a bonafide, toned up MILF, which she is not, you need to cover up a bit more than the 20 somethings surrounding you. Her bare arms alone danced to their own drummer every time she moved. Not a good choice, Mom.
Inside, the show started with the magic doors opening and Carrie Underwood walking out singing I Made It Through The Rain. She looked radiant as ever in an off white dress, her hair swept to one side, but she was also walking like a show pony - one foot deliberately in front of the other. Then Taylor picked up the lyrics, walking down the ramp in a matching off white suit - he looked wonderful - even when his hair turned blue in the glow of the spotlight. Kat joined them next in a white, form fitting suit with more cleavage than Mom was sporting. Then out came the other finalists, all visions in white, joining in for the first GROUP SONG. Amazingly, they did not sound horrid together - it was nice and short, and the addition of the Idol Tabernacle Choir on the stairs (who must be saving the blue robes for the final song) only added to it. It was not a bad way to start the show...
When they finished, the Idolvator rose one last time, like a suppository given to cure McPheever, and the Idolbot walked out - sniff, sniff, tear, tear - I will miss that neon, androgynous cyborg...
Ryan, again dressed to preside over a funeral or be in the coffin during one, walked out in a black suit and matching tie, to announce what we already know, "Tonight we name YOUR idol." Yeah, yeah, but first we have to extort a billion dollars from the advertisers, so I hope you packed a lunch. Then again, with an estimated 200 million viewers worldwide, can you blame them for milking this cash cow till she is only squirting air from her drained udders?
A nod to each judge included a brief video - Randy uttering a collage of cliches, "Dawg, Yo, Check It Out, Dude, Bomb, Hot One, Wow". Tonight he was dressed in a striped shirt (color me surprised), a gold tie and power suit. He was also sporting my glasses from the second grade - blue, plastic, hideous.
Paula, who I must say looked rather elegant in her simple white and black lace gown, topped it off with a personal best of 150 pounds of artificial head turf. Her video included an endless array of hitting, hollering, smacking, crying, gyrating and boobs.
Simon, looking very Monte Carlo in his black suit and white shirt, left opened to his navel, actually blushed as they ran a video which mostly included sweaters - black, gray, white, blue, but also included a heavily edited and replayed snippet of him rubbing his chest. When the video ended he was blushing - no, he was actually redder than the flaming screensaver they always used for Chris's performances.
Ryan then checked in with the gatherings in each contestant's hometown - Birmingham was indeed out in force for Taylor, with the infamous O'Donahue twins continuing to MAXIMize their limited celebrity by being the correspondents. Tamyra Gray, of season 1 shaftdom, was on hand at Universal Studios theme park in California where they had managed to lure a bunch of folks (with free admission) into holding Katharine signs. Seriously, I really am not being mean here, but did you notice how tight they kept the camera shot?
Back in the studio, Ryan introduced the first of the Top 12 to perform tonight - Smurfette, who came out in typical Smurfette attire - gold heels, a gold tank top, covered by an odd strapless vest, and wearing gauchos. Her hair was on steroids and around her neck hung my grandmother's missing cake plate.
A few lines into We're In This Love Together, and out walked legend Al Jarreau, fresh from brain surgery with a beanie on his head, and sporting Kenny Roger's eyes. Oh my, how the great have disintegrated... They sounded fine together, although he was clearly eclipsed by the power that is Paris Bennett, and when he tried a vocal run? I honestly thought he was having a seizure - it was not pretty and sounded even worse than it looked. They scatted together briefly, then thankfully the song was over and they put Mr Jarreau back in his pod.
AFTER. THE. FIRST. OF. MANY. BREAKS, Chris D took the stage to perform with his favorite band, Live, a group of guys who, if someone had told them nine months ago would be on American Idol, they would have punched them in the face. Singing with their frontman, it looked like an audition for Daddy Warbucks in the touring company of Annie - bald heads abounded, although, the other guy really does not have a head shaped for intentional baldness. Chris makes it look hot, that guy just looked chemotherapized. I'm sure the majority of viewers had no idea what was being sung, but Chris thoroughly outsang the other guy - and he has a huge future in front of him.
Then came the first of the insulting moments for we viewers, forced to choke on garbage and regurgitated footage from months ago. This particular segment was titled Puck & Pickler and featured uber celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck "teaching" Pickles about food. It was ridiculous (which I realize was the intention, but still...) and for the record, the newly bobbed hair does her a disservice. It makes her face look pudgy and all her sex appeal got left on the hair stylist's floor. Grow it back Pickles, or ask Paula if you can borrow some of hers.
The segment showcased Pickles basically vomiting an escargot into a napkin. High class stuff, guys. Thanks.
It ended and I was momentarily excited by the intro of Meatloaf coming out to sing the Celine Dion hit It's All Coming Back To Me Now with Kat. Unfortunately, aged Meatloaf is not very appetizing. I hate that I'm saying that, as I am a Meatloaf fan, having infected my daughters' iPods with some of his best work, but it's true. When he started to twitch and shake while singing, I feared the Meat had Mad Cow Disease - it was just disturbing, not emotional And the red hanky? Sad, dude, sad.
Luckily Katharine's breasts came on stage and took over the singing. OK, ok, Kat came out with them, but she was completely upstaged by the two billiard balls straining for release from the squished confines of her meager dress. The song moved on and never got any better - and the attempts to dramatize the lyrics? Ugh. I can only imagine the things Celine Dion was throwing around her dressing room in Vegas. Her Grammys. A platinum album or five. Her husband...
I will say that Kat sang better than Meatloaf, but I'm really stretching to find a compliment in this vocal succotash.
Another break and we returned to Ryan introing the next of the many useless time wasters - the Golden Idol Awards. Highlighting, or lowlighting, as the case may be - moments from the entire season. First category? Outstanding Female Vocal, which of course, wasn't. Three hideous auditions were shown, a winner declared, Whoopee. Outstanding Male Vocal showcased Marlowes Davis, who picked earwax all through his audition; Derek Dupre, who had crop circles of sweat under his arms; and Crazy Dave Hoover - the barefoot wackjob - who just happened to win - and who just happened to bound barefoot and manic onto the stage.
Classy, Nigel, real classy.
I found myself actually saying THANK GOD when they went to commercial, but then we returned to another installment of Puck & Pickler, this time showing Wolfgang terrorizing our little minx with live lobster.
It was at this point that I truly began to feel insulted by this momumental waste of time.
I was, however, rewarded for my patience being pushed to its limits, by the male Idols taking the stage to sing a medley of tunes beginning with Taking Care of Business. They all looked great in head to toe black, and I really found myself enjoying their performance - you could tell these guys genuinely like one another, whereas a group of women would be completely fighting for camera time and angles.
It only got better when Taylor came out and began playing his beloved harmonica - and that boy can play. Seriously, if someone would have said it was possible to look sexy while working a blues harp, I would have laughed out loud, but I now believe it would be entirely possible to seduce me in this fashion. Whodathunkit?
The medley moved on to Tobacco Road and cranked into high gear with a Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow finish. I swear, I will gladly lay down my credit card for this Idols tour. These kids have fun and are worth listening to.
Of course, all good things must be paid for in this life - and so penance was done in the form of one more Ford commercial. This one had Taylor and Cheekbones at the drive-in, watching a montage of all the Ford flicks from season five. Congrats to all the kids for making the best of a bad exploitation. Some were actually memorable.
After the commercial, Ryan presented Kat and Taylor with keys to their brand new convertibles - courtesy of Ford. Ahhh, that car devil is a crafty fellow, isn't he?
Continuing the seesaw of good/crap/good/crap, the next category in Golden Idol was announced: Proudest Family Moment. Contenders? Elliott's teary Mom, Kat's teary Dad, and Chris's teary wife. Big shock when Mama Yamin took the trophy. She also got to intro Elliott singing One Love. God, I so wanted the doors behind him to open and reveal Bono, but instead, after he sang a couple opening lines, out walked Mary J Flyge - sorry , Blige (those glasses looked like Jeff Goldblum's head in The Fly). From then on, Elliott was just a back up singer - Mary J can rock, but it was completely unfair how he had to step to the side and stand there for most of the song and then still be completely overshadowed by her to the very end. Elliott deserved more than being vocally bitchslapped by a diva.
Another break and the girls in black had their medley turn, beginning with I Feel Like A Woman, then Trouble, I'm A Woman, Natural Woman, and I'm Every Woman. In case you were not aware - they are women. Like the guys, they sounded really tight together, and while there was not as much true camaraderie behind their smiles, it was still fun to watch. I loved seeing Lisa Tucker's big grin fill the screen, hearing Melissa McGhee's big throaty vocals, and watching Mandisa's big - well, just plain bigness take over for the finish. She was amazing and I found myself again wishing the finale had contained her, not Cheeks.
Ryan then pimped Idol Tour tickets - dates are selling out, as they should - And then moved us into the next Golden Idol award, this one for Best Impersonation. Nominees included the kid who ate Cher, the skinny white boy who thought he was Michael Jackson, and Seth Strickland, the misguided youth who thought he could skate through the auditions by becoming Clay Aiken. Of course, Seth won, and of course, Seth was on hand. Ryan asked him to sing and he began a horrendous version of Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me. I was able to tolerate this because I knew from the newsstories that the real Aiken was indeed going to perform, so I patiently waited for him for appear.
The stage doors behind Seth parted and I got momentraily confused when one of the Beatles walked out. What in THE hell has Clay done to his hair? It was shaggy, hanging low on his forehead, and DARK BROWN. Happily, the hair was the only thing that had changed - his voice soared effortlessly and is still one I would gladly pay to hear live. Poor Seth tried to sing with him, but eventually suffered a complete hero-induced stroke and had to be helped onto a stool by Ryan while Clay finished the song.
One more note on the hair: my 12 year old called it "cool hair" and stated she "loved it" on him - so, to borrow Simon's quote, what the hell do I know?.
As the cash udders were still producing milk, we were then subjected to a random medley of Burt Bacharach songs - the man, himself, doing the piano honors. Listen, I know he is a legend too, but when you have 200 million people watching and over 75% have no clue who he is? Come on.
Then again, it gave the final twelve additional time to shine and get people psyched up about seeing them tour. Taylor walked out in black (he looks so good in black) singing What The World Needs Now, and was joined by Kat, lovely in red spandex. The Look of Love quickly followed, sung by Ace and Melissa - both continuing the guys-in-black-girls-in-red motif. Sadly, this color scheme was the classiest moment so far in this bloated intestine of a show.
Pickles came out alone to sing a piece of I'll Never Fall In Love Again - and I will say, the new 'do actually worked with the sophisticated halter dress she was wearing. Bucky acquitted himself well on Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head, then Mandisa rocked Say A Little Prayer For You. Things slowed down for Lisa, alone by the piano singing the theme song to Alfie, and again I was blown away with her poise, composure and talent. She also looked great, and like all the girls, was working a cobweb of diamonds around her neck.
Elliott got some well deserved solo time on This House Is Not A Home, although I was cnostanlty fearful Ms. Blige would pop out again and begin wailing.
Then finally - FI. NAL. LY! Kevin began to croon What's New Pussycat, and while he will never be able to hold a candle to the pure sleezy charm of Tom Jones, for once I felt he did not deserve my pity - that he was truly in on the joke. As he wound down, Ace and Chris joined him for a snippet of Arthur's Theme and they really sounded good together.
Paris then ramped things up with Close To You, loving every moment she was allowed to wear that spider web of sparklies on her person. Then the door parted and out walked yet another aging legend, Dionne Warwick, although I will give the old girl this: She is still a beautiful lady and can still sing a song. In fact she sang two - Walk On By and That's What Friends Are For. As the kids swayed in the background, Kat and Taylor joined her center stage and then they all flanked her on both sides, finishing up the song in truly decent harmony.
Again, get yourself a ticket to this tour. I have been to previous ones and take my word for it - this group of kids has the most talent handsdown.
Another break, another Golden Idol. This one for Best Male Bonding - nominees? Ace and Chris power hugging at the final 24; Ryan & Taylor lying on the AI stage together; and of course, Garet Johnson and his cowboy buddies, which afforded them the opportunity to again run the video of Brokenote Cowboy from the audition phase. Shock - they won. Supershock - they were there! Out they came, Garet, Hootie (fresh from another Burger King commercial) and the other guy who likes to sing really deep. They did a rendition of Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys and did their Mamas proud - while not as enjoyable as eating a whole cheesecake, it was slightly less painful than getting your teeth ripped out by rabid monkeys.
Ryan then got everyone excited by teasing that it was time for the results, which everyone knew was total crapola because there was still time to kill and one more udder to squeeze. Suddenly the lights began to flash, two scantily clad women began to gyrate on stage, and OH. MY. GOD. out walked Prince in all his purple glory. Fine, he did not sing anything I even remotely recognized, but American Idol scored perhaps it's biggest coup to date by getting him to perform. And it wasn't just one song, but two. Sure, he wore more make-up than Paula Abdul, but he was there, working it. And by his tiny smile at the end, you could tell he was pleased - bless his little purple heart.
Back from another break and Taylor emerged singing Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing. Cheekbones quickly joined him, looking ever so Ginger Rogers in her flowing gold satin and chiffon gown. Taylor worked a black tux with satin piping from earlier in the season. They tried to have fun with the song, but like everone else, you could see they just wanted to get through it to get to the results.
Which they did.
After 63.4 million votes (seriously, we should elect presidents this way), certified by a British dude from Telescope, Ryan was handed THE envelope.
Opening it slowly, he drew out the suspense and then announced the only name that should have been inside: TAYLOR HICKS.
Yes, the silver haired boy that Simon detested, was crowned our new American Idol. The Kodak exploded into cheers, the crowds in Birmingham will be partying till next week, David Hasselhoff was in tears, and Taylor let loose with two words: SOUL PATROL.
Kat graciously moved to the side (again, she has no worries - her future is nothing but bright), the lights went down and as Taylor began singing his new single, Do I Make You Proud?, infusing every single syllable with true emotion and meaning, I freely admit that the tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Anyone who had, up to now, refused to understand how he got to this point, had to finally get it. It's not rocket science, in fact, just the opposite. Taylor Hicks is a man born to perform. Taylor Hicks has a voice that immediately identifies who he is. And Taylor Hicks, first and foremost, is just a nice guy.
And I, for one, am thrilled to see that, for once, a nice guy did not finish last.
Dear Linda,
I want to thank you for being such a huge part of making this season of American Idol so f-ing fun for me. I've been a loyal, rabid fan of the show since the first day of Season Two (the year I lost my heart to Clay Aiken), but never have I enjoyed a season more than this one (the year I lost my "soul" to Taylor Hicks). That's due mostly to the anticipation each Tuesday and Wednedsay of YOUR recaps. You have made me laugh so hard this year that I've snorted, giggled my ass off and, yes, even blown Caffeine-Free Diet Coke through my nose while reading your Idol blog. It doesn't get any better than that, girl.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Linda. You are one in a million.
- Lori
Posted by: Lori in Texas | Wednesday, May 24, 2006 at 11:26 PM
This is the first year I watched AI from auditions to finale and I have to say that stumbling upon your column was one of the best parts of the season. I looked forward to your recaps every Tuesday and Wednesday almost as eagerly as I looked forward to the shows. I love that you say what I am thinking about the shows. I thought I was the only one who noticed Simon actually blushing, Mary J's pushing Elliott to one side, and Chris (my love and true American Idol!) having a better head of no hair than the other guy. I will definitely go see them in concert now - I wasn't going to, but if you say this group will be worth it, I trust you!! Thanks for dedication to this oh-so-guilty pleasure of ours. I don't know how it can be, but we'll see if AI6 will be even better!
Laura
PS. Another thing I noticed and wondered if you did too - did you happen to see how uncomfortable Taylor was with Toni Braxton. Now, I love Toni but I couldn't understand a word she was singing and when she got close to him it seemed like he was inching away. Especially when she grabbed his arm and put it around her; the cameras cut away but I could swear he practically jerked his hand away! What do you think? Just my imagination?
Posted by: Laura | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 12:12 AM
Linda,
You and I are always on the same page. Like Laura and Lori, I looked forward to your recaps every week. If I missed an episode, I came here first to see if I should even watch my TiVo'd version. :)
Thanks for a wonderful season and I will be back to visit you between now and then!
Stay healthy and keep writing.
- Kim
Posted by: PK | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 08:45 AM
Linda- You are hilarious, clever and witty and I absolutely love this webpage. And I totally get that you, as a humor writer, have an opinion. I love it when you make fun of Covais, Ace, even my favorite, Paris. But it is almost too much to take with all your gushing over Taylor. For me, every lowlight of every show was sitting through his clearly contrived, annoying and for-the camera histrionics. If the man had brown heir and didn't trick everyone into believing he was some cool, old dude-he would have been a non-entity. Katherine, on the other hand, is an AMAZING vocal talent! WHen the two finalists sang the Dirty Dancing theme side by side, even knowing inside that Taylor would win, the true travesty of the win was never more apparent. You wanna see Taylor Hicks perform? Great! Go to the Alabama COuntry Fair or even Vegas. But when he comes on to my radio- I'll have to switch the station. Just thought an opinion from a non-Taylor fan might be a novel idea. Still- you are super-funny and if I decide to tune in to AI again next year, I'll be back here!
Posted by: Joanna | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 09:14 AM
Superb job on the updates this year, Ms. Linda.
As for the finale - well - it's always a schmaltzfest, but it's still a guilty pleasure to see who will show up. They were all over the demographics map last night. THAT'S why they got over a 30 share again.
As for our man Taylor - I wish him much success, turnip greens & a 2 week vacation by that little place near the pond where he can just sit back, have some sweet tea, and play his harp.
Then, after that brief resbit.... Soul Thing needs to be on his 1st album as his 1st single. After the AI tour, they need to get this man touring. Where's that bus?!?!?
:-D
Posted by: Chuckles | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 09:45 AM
If you have the results showed TIVO'd, close your eyes and listen to the duet by Kat and Taylor -- In fact, with your eyes closed, listen to the performances by all of the top 12. Taylor's voice isn't of the quality of ANY of the other eleven, not just Kat. He won on charisma, of which he has plenty, and that will go a long way, but how will he sound on the radio?
And Toni Braxton looked like a female impersonator. I would have kept my distance, too.
Posted by: Jim Gillaspy | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 10:02 AM
Jim, I understand that you love Katherine and that's cool. But as a music consumer who buys CDs, I can listen to any number of cookie-cutter singers who sound just like Katherine McPhee simply by turning on a local pop station. There is nothing distinctive about her, nothing original, nothing that sets her apart as an "Idol" -- her place as an Idol was already filled by Kelly Clarkson. Not once in this season did I see Katharine set herself apart from the crowd.
Taylor is rough around the edges, but the man is truly distinctive. I have heard several of his previous recordings (prior to Idol) and I immediately knew that I would be happy to shell out my hard-earned bucks for a CD by him. I can't say the same for Katharine.
Posted by: Lori in Texas | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 02:46 PM
I have a favor to ask. I know that you're a Soul Patroler, so, here's the thing. there's this radio station, and the DJ who's on right now is saying mean things about taylor's song, refusing to play it when someone requested it, so, could you, and any other soul patrollers or just anyone who likes taylor at all please e-mail heydj@thebeat.com requesting it. Let's FLOOD their inbox!
Posted by: Me | Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 11:43 PM
Taylor deserved it. Here is part one of my late review.
http://jameshudnall.com/blog.php?/weblog/feel_the_force_part_one/
Part two tonight.
Posted by: James Hudnall | Friday, May 26, 2006 at 02:14 AM
Wow, here is the second part. It took me 4 hours to write. Yikes!
http://jameshudnall.com/blog.php?/weblog/feel_the_force_2_the_fi9nale_finally/
Posted by: James Hudnall | Saturday, May 27, 2006 at 03:41 AM