I freely admit that until two years ago, I truly never got the whole pet-people connection. You know, the way people refer to their pets as “children”, the tongue kissing lovefests between dogs and their owners, the stores devoted to pet jewelry and clothing, even the blood hurling protests of PETA.
I just never understood what the hoohaa was about.
I mean, in my mind, animals fell far below me on the food chain, and in most instances the only accessory required was a fork and some A-1 sauce.
Well, then I got a dog - my first REAL pet in my whole life - ok, fine, at barely 8 pounds, she is more of a doggett - and I finally began to realize what it was all about. Through my baby (yes, she is my child now, shut your mouth) I have come to understand just how intelligent and loving an animal can be.
And yes, more often than not, you’ll find me happily swapping spit with her - even if she just ate a liver treat, licked her own ass - or both.
Animals are deserving of love, consideration, care. You‘ll brook no argument from me about that. (Although, some of them are still mainly deserving of charcoal, some salt and pepper and a steak knife...)
Apparently the fine people in Rome believe ALL pets have rights and by golly someone has got to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. And so was born a law providing punishment for any pet owner who endangers, neglects or abandons their pets.
Mind you, I said ALL pets.
It is now against the law to sentence your goldfish to a cylindrical Alcatraz - that’s right, no more round bowls. Reason? According to animal rights activists, the shape of the bowl causes the fish to - are you ready? - GO BLIND.
Good lord! Say it ain’t so! BLIND GOLDFISH! How will they work? Sew? Shop? Drive? Play soccer? Date?
Oh wait - for all I know the damned things are blind to begin with. I have yet to see one do much more than swim from one side of a bowl to another and trail poop behind.
Monica Cirinna, the councilor behind the by-law, defends it, "It's good to do whatever we can for our animals who in exchange for a little love fill our existence with their attention."
I agree Monica, but any goldfish I have ever owned didn‘t seem to know I was alive. Oh wait - that’s right - mine had a round bowl, ergo they were blind and could not see me.
She continued, "The civilization of a city can also be measured by this.”
Yes, yes it can. Oddly, you can use that same yardstick to measure exactly how far up its own ass the head of a society is jammed.
The northern Italian city of Turin passed a law in April to fine pet owners up to 500 euros ($597.7) if they do not walk their dogs at least three times a day.
THREE TIMES A DAY.
Listen, I’m all for pet exercise and fresh air, but my dog is not training for the Boston Marathon. Like most dogs, she excels at mimicking carpet all day long. Once around the block really does suffice.
Provisions in the new laws also exist to award “legal recognition” to those kind hearted animal lovers who feed the bazillion strays that damn near outnumber the people. I see. So they are being heralded for contributing to the delinquency of these street urchins? It seems, perhaps, a better use of that food money would be to spend it catching the strays and holding one big Neuter Ball (no pun intended, yeah, right) or Spay Spectacular. Feeding them constantly only gives them more energy to continue their orgiastic behavior, thus creating more stray animals for the bacchanal.
Kind of like Hugh Hefner and all those blondes that seem to multiply in each photo...
But back to the poor, blind, and possibly brain damaged (yes, some scientists claim goldfish are subjected to oxygen deficiency in those water filled orbs of death) goldfish. I suppose if it is true that these creatures are being tortured so badly that someone has to defend their honor, maybe we should think twice before plopping any more into round bowls.
Although, it is interesting to note, the law does not prohibit flushing them down one.