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DGMS Travel Gnome

  • Vegas #3
    Welcome to the DGMS Travel Gnome Photo Album! Enjoy this little guy's world travels - some far afield, some right in your own backyard!

July 2008

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Friday, July 18, 2008

Look! Up In The Sky! It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Fake Leg!??!

I don't "get" skydiving.

Maybe it's because watching a person climb a ladder turns my small intestine into a juicer.  Maybe it's because I'm a parent and that's just not a risk I'm willing to take.

Maybe I'm just a big pussy.

Speaking of which, one of my favorite commercials has a cat strapped into a tandem harness on his owner's chest.  As the plane reaches altitude, the owner walks to the open door and jumps, cat first.

I laugh every single time because I can just imagine what would be going through Lola's mind were that her.

What the ... meooooooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!!!

If I survive this I will claw out your eyes and pee in your dead skull.

Every piece of furniture you own?  Ribbons, baby, shredded to ribbons.

And I will shit in every pair of shoes you own.  I will even shit in your hair while you sleep.  And then walk across your head to grind it in.

I will catch and kill a mouse and leave it on your shitstrewn forehead.

You get the point.

Between my fear of heights and my fear of death by pancaking into Mother Earth, you will never find me free falling towards a city near you.

But to each his / her own.

Scott Listemann loves to skydive.  And having lost his foot and lower leg in an unrelated accident last year has not deterred him in the least.  He loves the sport (although I use the word 'sport' loosely.  Like the luge, I don't consider falling to be anymore of a sport than sliding.)

So far his parachute has always opened.  No injuries or close calls.  But last week, he did endanger those below.

You see, upon jumping, his prosthetic leg, clad in a running shoe, came loose and drifted off into the skies over Poughkeepsie.

Can you imagine being the one to find it?  What if it hit someone?  Seriously, people have been killed by falling debris, frozen blocks of airline waste, etc.

I'd surely hate to be out gardening and die when someone's leg falls from the heavens.

Then again, it would make the music choice at my funeral pretty easy...

Ain't That A Kick In The Head - sing it, Dean...

Holding My Breath

37 minutes till Culley lands in Dallas.

A ten hour 22 minute flight.

That's a long time to hold my breath.

:O)

Cannot wait to see her when she finally gets to Austin this evening, and hear all about her time in Paris!  She did take the Gnome with her, so we'll see what adventures he may have had in France!

Gnome_france

The Sssssssspin Cycle

Laundry.  It's a daily labor of ugh in my house.

Lest you think girls don't stink it up the way boys do?  Sniff again.  With soccer camps, training, games, etc, to allow a pile to languish for even a day would turn my laundry room into something which could give a toxic waste dump a run for its olfactory money.

Seriously, I buy Carson new turf shoes for training not because she outgrows the old pair, but because they stink so badly that no amount of Odor Eater powder or Febreeze could possibly make a dent in the stench.

So I wash, and I wash, and I wash.  Load after load after load.  (It makes me totally appreciate what life in the land of John & Kate Plus 8 must be like.  I still think she is a total Type A, anal, domineering wackjob, but if I had to multiply my current laundry by 8 children?  I'd probably growl a lot too.)

It's all pretty normal stuff - crusty soccer socks, filthy jerseys, shorts, sports bras a plenty.  Occasionally there is a curveball thrown in for my Shouting pleasure - not to be indelicate here, but - oh hell, it's my life, I'll be indelicate all I want - with three daughters - two of whom welcome Aunt Flo each month, every now and then something resembling an autopsy shows up in the laundry basket.  Seriously, I have been known to ask, "What the hell happened?  Did you skin a bear or something?"

But aside from that, a few stubborn grass stains, a cooking debacle here and there, nothing truly unmanageble goes through my washing machine.

Unlike Mara Ranger of Maine...

Mara was doing her laundry penance this past week, just like you, just like me.  However, when she reached into the machine to remove the clean load, she felt something move.

Yeah.

Mooooove.

It was a snake.

A big snake.

"I jumped back and all of sudden its head starts coming out of the washing machine and it looked huge," Ranger said.

She then did what any of us would do.  She shit her pants.

OK, ok, she didn't shit her pants.  But she did slam the lid shut awfully quick.  She then called the police and animal control, but no one wanted the responsibility of Shouting the ssssssstain out of her laundry.

She finally got someone from Maine Animal Damage Control to come to her home.  Richard Burton bravely donned welder's gloves and reached in, grabbing the snake by the neck.  (I guess if you did that many years with Liz Taylor, a little snake ain't no big thang.)

He began to pull and pull and pull as EIGHT FEET of python emerged.  They conjecture the serpent slithered in through the pipes in the rinse cycle.

Python

Burton and his associates now plan to find the laundry lurker a home in a wildlife refuge.

Mara plans on checking every nook and cranny of her machine from now on. 

But I have to go back to her reaction... I gotta give her props for composure.  No tears.  No hissy fit. 

That's impressive, because if it were me, there's not enough OxyClean in this world to eradicate the ssssskid marks I would have laid down in my underwear.   

More Gnome Travels!

I have added all of these to the Photo Album as well, so you can peruse our Gnome's Travels anytime.  Just click on the Photo Album link on the left side of the site page.

Thank you to everyone who is taking DGMS on the road - you guys rock!  As the Gnome says, "I get around!"

Gnome_busch_gardens

Debbie in Fl and Martha took Martha's gorgeous nice Katie and our Gnome to Busch Gardens recently.

Sherlock

Elementary, my dear Watson.  Everyone should take me on vacation!  (With Sherlock Holmes statue on vacation with Carrie!)

Shrek

At Madame Tusseud's with Shrek and Carrie's lovely girlfriend Chris

Bogey

"Play it again, Sam" - Carrie, Bogey, and the Gnome

Henry

Off with his head?  That's one very brave Gnome pushin' up on Henry VIII

Charles

Careful little guy - that Charles is a notoriously horny Brit...

Shakespeare

Gnomeo, Gnomeo, where fore art thou, Gnomeo?

Lincoln

Couldn't we just stay home tonight instead of going to the theater?  I have a headache...

Mlk

I have a dream...

Eye

With Carrie at the Londond Eye

Big_ben

And you people think my nose is phallic...

Mill_bridge

View of the Millennium Bridge from up in the London Eye

Westminster

Westminster Abbey and  the House of Parliament in the distance

Performer

Too cool - with a street performer in London

Hard_rock

At Hard Rock Cafe - Carrie said he's a little blurry because HE'S had a few beers. 

   

   

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Emotional Jackpot

As most of you know by now, Rudy resides in Washington state, the girls and I in Texas - a decision made based on an incredible career opportunity and three daughters who are thriving in the town they have called "home" for only two years as of this past Tuesday.

It's not the easiest of lifestyles.  In fact, sometimes it's about as far from 'easy' as you can get.  Don't get me wrong, the girls are great kids.  They are just incredibly busy, diverse kids with schedules that require Schwarzkopf-like logitistical planning on my part.

It's also not easy only seeing Rudy every three weeks or so.  Heavy on the "or so" part of late.  His last visit home in June found him quarantined with pneumonia and no one getting anywhere near him.

We all handle the separation well - it's not our first time to this particular rodeo - after all, Carson won't be twelve till next month and has moved five times.  Each time resulting in some degree of him-there, us-here playing catch up.

But it is hard.  He misses many soccer games, plays, smiles, hugs, licks from Oreo, Nugget who seems to sense Rudy's testosterone and seeks him out as the only other male in the house, and the million other small moments which comprise a family's life.

Sure, we talk every day, many times a day.  We email.  He even reads the blog as religiously as you do to stay connected to my warped brain.  But Rudy and I are touchers.  We always have been.  Without consciousing thinking about it, we seek each other out - holding hands, kissing, touching a back, hugging in the grocery store, my head on his back while he cooks...

I would be lying to say that part doesn't suffer badly while apart.  It does. 

But he throws himself into his job, I throw myself into mine, into taking care of the girls, the cats, the dog, my friends, the soccer teams, etc, trying to make the time between touching go faster.

I suppose I have it a tad easier than Rudy - at least I have the girls, the cats, the dog to lavish with affection and I love yous. 

But it's still not the same...

In the weeks that pass between visits, we allow a part of ourselves to shut down, maybe out of self preservation, I don't know.  I think about it a lot, but I can't adequately define it.  It's just that between visits, we concentrate on being functional.  And it's sometimes hard to break out of the mode when we get together. 

As in love with one another as we are, there is always a warm-up period.  I guess that's just human nature.

I preface the Vegas details with all of that because I know everyone thinks we are some uber-perfect couple / family.  A couple that never struggles or fights.  Kids that never make us lose any sleep.

Well, by comparison to a lot of marriages and families out there, I'd say we come close, but goodness knows, we are not perfect.  Rudy can piss me off better than anyone on this planet - he knows every button to push.  And I know that I can make him contemplate life in a monastery sometimes.

But at the end of the day - even separated by thousands of miles, there is no one I'd rather be with, laugh with, sleep with, touch, and yes, even feel awkward from time to time with...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Landing in Vegas, I was excited.  Sure, because I adore that sinful, decadent city, but also because I knew Rudy was touching down at the very same moment - our flights coordinated to both arrive at 1030am.

By the time I walked to the Baggage Claim tram, he was calling me on my cell.  I smiled.

After finding my bright pink suitcase - yes bright pink, shut up.  It serves one very important purpose:  it stands out in the sea of black luggage being regurgitated up the baggage carousel - I called him to find out where he was - he was at his baggage claim, so I started walking, started looking.

You know, it's funny.  For all intents, I haven't truly seen him for close to two months.  His amorphous snotty blob condition during Pneumoniagate simply does not count.

I spied him at the other end of the carousel and just stood for a moment thinking, "Wow."

I mean, I know what my husband looks like, but still, "Wow", he's mine.  :O)

Coming up behind him, big hugs.  And yes, a little nervous.  Like I said, it's almost like having first date jitters when we have not seen each other for a while. Am I dressed nice?  Did I pop a breath mint?  Will he still like me? We have everything in common, and somehow still have to find our way back to "our spot".

Thankfully it doesn't take long. 

We got to our hotel - the gorgeous, new addition to The Venetian, called The Palazzo.  Starving, we decided to check our bags with the bellman, grab some lunch, and check into our room later - after all, it was still morning with 1,000 people trying to check out.

Some Italian food, some wine, no kids...not a bad recipe for getting our bearings with one another again - and then we wandered through the casino where Rudy, who picks slot machine based on their names, decided to play Lucky Shamrocks for my Irish father.

He won 400 quarters.  Talk about luck o' the Irish.

Oh, he almost got really lucky, ifyouknowhatImean.

I had left him for a moment while he was playing a machine - just wandered off to see what was a few rows over - and was coming back down the main walkway, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a highly toasted man wanting to check out Rudy's gear.

Seriously, from my distance I could not quite figure out what was happening.  The guy was prancing around Rudy, touching his machine, jumping up and down, leaning over him, reaching out to touch Rudy.  For a second, I thought he had hit it big and this guy was congratulating him.

As I got closer, the truth was that the guy was looking for a much bigger jackpot.  He wanted a piece of my husband's fine ass.  He started touching Rudy's leg, and Rudy, being the gentleman that he is, was trying to nicely humor the obviously sky-high guy and get him to back off.

It wasn't working.

So in swooped Super Bitch.  I put my arms around him from behind, kissed him on the cheek.

The guy, who was so toasted, he all but had butter and jam, finally picked up on my body wrapped around Rudy's and began to back off.  Yes, dude, big "my bad".  Rudy stood up, we wished the man farewell, and I covered Rudy's rear flank as we walked away - after all, the guy was still prancing.

I personally think his getting felt up by a gay guy trumps my casino story of being admired by the drunk Italian last year, "I love your eyes, your legs, your teets..."

Moving on...Rudy's virtue still intact...

Our room was lovely.  I've said it before, but I simply will not stay anywhere else in Vegas, and yes, I have stayed in many properties in my Vegas travels.  The Venetian and Palazzo are, quite simply, stunning.

From the smell of Bergamot (I finally nailed that down last year) piped into the ventilation system, to the class of service, you wish you could move in.

And all of the rooms are suites.  Gorgeous marble bathrooms, fluffy down comforters and pillows, two plasma TVs in the suite, even one mounted in the bathroom, a step down living room with a wrap around couch, hell, even the sheers and curtains operate on a remote control.  (Note for next house:  I want that.)

The first night we had reservations to dine at Michael Mina - I waxed rhapsodic about this place when my sister and I ate there on my last trip to the strip.  Being a huge foodie, I could not wait to take Rudy.

Now, the Venetian complex is very centrally located on the strip.  It sits across the street from Mirage, Treasure Island, and Caesars, Wynn is next door, and the Bellagio - where Michael Mina is located - is just down the street from the Mirage.

I said, let's walk, it's just down the street.

OK, if you have never been, I'll explain exactly how stupid that statement is.  If you have been to Vegas, you've already rolled your eyes so hard, you probably sprained your cornea...

Nothing is Vegas seems far from anything else.  But when you start walking, you realize that is because all the buildings are so %^&$damned big.  The reality is that the casino which looks like it is right next to your hotel, it roughly five miles away.  That put Bellagio approximately 25 miles away.

In heels.

I'm stupid.  I have been going to Vegas for 20+ years, and I am still stupid.

Collapsing in the restaurant, my indignant feet were soon forgotten.  It was all I remembered and more because I got to share it, some incredible food, and a bottle of seriously perfect wine with Rudy.

And yes, he got me a cab ride back across the street to our hotel.

We spent the next day exploring the Wynn - the hotelier in Rudy is always snooping, estimating costs, he even got down on the floor in Bellagio once to check out the mosaic tile - doing a little gambling, just enjoying hanging out together.  No kids, no soccer games, no spoiled rotten Pomeranian in between us.

By 3pm we were back in our room, hanging out on the couch, had kind of hit a lag.

Not good since we had tickets to The Cirque du Soleil Beatles Love show at the Mirage right across the street.

As the clock ticked, I mumbled, "You know, I'm only half kidding when I say this, but I'd be willing to try some Red Bull to perk up."

He cocked an eyebrow.  Caffeine and Linda are not a good mix, especially when she is already tired.   But hey, what happens in Vegas, right?

He asked if I was serious.  I assured him that if it is good enough for Britney Spears, it's good enough for me.

With that, he opened the in room minibar and whaddayaknow?  A whole row of Red Bull!

We were like two teenagers with their first joint.  Giggling.  Wondering what it would be like.  Would we feel different?  What would it taste like?

He opened it and took a swig, then handed it to me.  Hmmm, tasted like sweet Mountain Dew.  Not bad.

Get your own damned can, Rudy.  This one is MINE.

Yes, we both indulged in our own cans of Red Bull and by the time we changed clothes for the night and walked out the room, we were wide awake.  So encouraged by the running of the bull through our systems, that we stopped in the gift shop on the way out of the Venetian and bought two more cans.

WHOA.  I grabbed a straw and slammed that thing in five seconds flat.  Bring on the Beatles! 

OK, the Beatles Love show - how to adequately explain?  I have been to many shows in Vegas - The Blue Man Group blew my mind and eardrums.  I have been baffled by the artistry and daring of the Cirque show "O", I have seen showgirl numbers, George Carlin, Dennis Miller, Wayne Brady... this was in a league of its own.

Quite simply put, we smiled for a solid hour and a half.  Really, our faces hurt by the last number.

Set in the round, the show is composed around original recordings from the Abbey Road studio sessions - even the funny ad libs, out takes, and goofing around of John, Paul, George & Ringo - and let me tell you, that Ringo is a funny f**ker.  The music is astounding - each seat has its own speaker system built in, and the performers make anyone for whom tying a shoe is an Olympic event, humbled.  The staging is joyful, and the creativity of the Cirque mind?  Well, they must smoke a lot of pot and wash it down with a lot of Red Bull.

I would see the show again and again.

High on caffeine and Beatles induced adrenaline, we romped through the casino.  I found a friendly quarter machine, and then we both settled at a Price Is Right nickel machine.  Don't let the whole "nickel" thing fool you.  These machines have 9 lines and you can bet a gazillion nickels per line.  You could lose the mortgage on a nickel machine these days.

Well, an hour and a half later, we were still sitting there.  His machine refused to let him go.  He kept winning.  And the damndest thing is that with these machines, you never know why.

Why when you get a shoe, a dog, a pair of scissors, an antelope, a Model T, and a unicorn do you win?  And when you get a shoe, a gravestone, three parrots, a banjo, and a bow tie, you lose?

Who cares?  You keep hitting the button.

At one point he won over 2300 nickels - don't ask, I still don't know why.  He kept asking me to do the math?  "How much is that?"

"Honey, it's midnight, I'll need at least three Red Bulls to do nickel math for you.  Just hit the Cash Out button, look at the ticket it prints out (machines no longer spit out real money) and then stick it back in.

That was a lot of money.

He played for a while longer and then we headed back to our casino where we suddenly decided that Asian food sounded really good.  Tell me Red Bull isn't like pot...

We got to bed by 2am, but were up early the next day to squeeze in some more fun before we had to head to the airport.  Time truly does fly when you're having fun because our two days went by in the blink of an eye.

We headed to the airport, had to say goodbye in the taxi - he was dropped at a different airline - and my mood immediately deflated.

What can I say?  He's like air for me.  I feel better, centered, when I am with him.  He is my safe place in this world.  And he "gets" me in ways no one else can.  He puts up with me when I'm overly tired and everything makes me giggle uncontrollably.  He rubs my back before I ask.  He indulges my Tourettes-like response to ridiculously dressed people.  He lets me use the bathroom first in the morning.  He even likes that the little girl in me wanted the mini Root Beer Float over Creme Brulee for dessert at Michael Mina.

He loves me.  The good, the bad, the infuriating, the fun, the insufferable, and the vulnerable

All of me.

So, if you're wondering if I "won" in Vegas, the answer is YES. 

But it's a jackpot I hit almost twenty years ago that keeps paying off.

I Swear...

... to God...

I leave for three days and things go to hell in a handbasket.  It's not even a pretty, Eastery handbasket.  It's an old, ramshackle, looks like it was once used to haul port-o-potty solids kind of handbasket...

Just sorting out some soccer team issues, rooming lists (yes, the team is traveling and  yours truly is their personal Julie McCoy), kids, etc...

I swear I will be writing later today.  Hang in there.  It's good stuff.  Like ... Rudy getting hit on (read: touched) by a seriously high (he'd been smoking everything but his shoes - I love Steel Magnolias) gay guy...  :O)

Have Gnome, Will Travel

Busy morning on this end (like that's history making...), but wanted to put up a couple Gnome pics from Vegas...

Will be giving the full scoop on the trip later on...stay tuned!

Vegas_gnome_2

The little guy with the big - um - "nose", enjoying the bed in our gorgeous suite at the Palazzo.

Vegas_gnome_3

Rudy, the Gnome, and another unique (read:  bulbous) character

Vegas_gnome_1_2

Enjoying his Trip to the Strip - This is right before I scorched my entire ass and thighs by sitting on a concrete bench which had been heated to "Sun's Surface".  I swear, I had griddle marks...      

Sunday, July 13, 2008

For Carrie / Quik!

Hb_carrie_3

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Time Flies...And So Does She

OK, so I lied.

I know I said I was not going to be able to post anything till I get back, but I have a few minutes between running from one place to the next and just had to share a parenting moment.

This morning I took Culley to the airport.  As we approached the check-in counter, I glanced at her, so tall, so lovely, so excited.

She handed her passport to lady who asked if I would like a pass to go to the gate with her.

Taking another look, I smiled and said, "No.  If she's old enough to take this trip, she's old enough to clear security on her own."

I then walked her to the security area, where my eyes promptly filled with tears.

How?  How do they grow up so fast?

I held her close for a moment and whispered in her ear, "Go have a wonderful adventure.  I love you."

She then walked away and I was left with that swift rush of shit to the heart we parents know so well.

It's the mixture of being so unbelievably proud of your child, wishing you could hold onto them forever, and knowing inside that you cannot.

Culley is my set of training wheels for everything parenting.  She discovers all of the "firsts", and I learn how to handle them as she powers through.  First steps, first sleepover, first heartbreak, and now, first trip abroad.

On the drive home, I was flipping channels on the Sirius Radio, and landed on the bittersweet Butterfly Kisses. 

How perfect...as these lyrics filled my ears, tears again filled my eyes...

One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

I will hold my breath till I know she has landed safely tomorrow morning, I will miss her while she is away, and I will count every second till I can hold her again and hear all about her adventure in France.

Au revoir, Culley.  J'taime.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Viva la Vida

'Viva La Vida' - the title of Coldplay's latest much played single, also the name of the latest CD.

Depending on the language or culture, the translations can vary, but I'm all for the Spanish version of 'Live Life' or 'Live The Life'.

And living the life in my household means that our vidas are pretty hectic right now.

That's my way of saying, Mea Culpa for what is going to be a bare blog till I return from Vegas.

Tonight is consumed with getting Culley ready for her trip to Paris, and Carson packed again for soccer camp.  (Yes, she did just return from five days away at one camp, and yes, she is headed off to another for five days.  What can I say?  She's a stud.)

Tomorrow will involve saying au revoir to my so-grown-up daughter as she heads off on her first international adventure, meeting up with my sister and brother-in-law in Dallas, and then nonstopping it to Charles de Gaulle.

As soon as she clears security, it will be time to pack up Carson and drive two hours to A&M, get her safely ensconced in her dorm, then head two hours back to deposit Kendall with the friends who will be taking care of her in my absence.

Once I clear those hurdles, I plan on packing for my own trip tomorrow night, and finally seeing my sweetie in Vegas Sunday morning.

So, as you can see, real vida will be taking precedent over virtual vida for a few days.

Talk amongst yourselves while I'm gone, and yes, expect a full report upon my return.

Well, maybe not a full report.  After all, what happens in Vegas...

Viva la vida, baybay.